I wanted to hit you up personally to tell you how gutted I am that stuff didn’t work out between Facebook and Snapchat. It’s a bummer, but Facebook just isn’t the smexy young hookup we’re looking for, $3 billion or not. Sorry to be a buzzkill.
I’m sure you get it, brosepher. You can probably still remember being a hot-to-trot brogrammer, back in the day, when you were still 23. Remember how, when you weren’t hella old, shit just kind of came to you, like how you had your hand on the pulse of digital innovation, or how your parents gave you a brand-new Escalade, and then pulled strings so you could park it next to your high school?
We both know what it’s was like to be a little too badass for college — you for Harvard, and me for Stanford. We also both know how to party hard in Palo Alto. I bet your ragers with Sean Parker are pretty similar to the stuff that got my frat, Kappa Sigma, kicked off campus.
And then there’s the fact that we’re both total geniuses. You came up with Facemash to look at pictures of chicks, and I invented Picaboo so hotties would send me nude selfies. You crushed it, and after one thing led to another, your company became the new hotness. But then your classmates got all greedy, and started claiming that maybe you kind of screwed your certified bros out of a lot of money. What even is that? We’ve both been there, brogellan. Good thing we’re too rich to care.
That’s why you’ll totally understand that the reason Snapchat couldn’t take your money is that — no offense, bro — it’s ‘cause even though we don’t have any kind of revenue stream, in a few years, our mascot, Ghostface Chillah, is going to be all kind of dancing on Facebook’s grave. I’m sorry, but kids just don’t do Facebook anymore, Zuck. You’re like Tom from Myspace. Or what was that other thing our parents had? Friendster? Did they have a mascot?
I get it. It’s hard out there for a disruptive technologist pimp. Not everyone can create an app that perfectly captures the ephemeral and fluid nature of human communication. After all, aren’t sexts just back-alley flashing made digital? Doesn’t the transience of Snapchat’s dick pics mirror that of Anthony Weiner’s political career?
But bro. Bro. Don’t sweat it. I am like 100% certain that your next startup will be huge. If you haven’t come up with an idea, you should totally start shopping around for one. I hear Uber drivers have some bitchin’ schemes these days.
- Evan Spiegel, Snapchat co-founder and CEO
Editor's note: This is a satire, but you already knew that, right?