As if women needed one more reason not to take sex tips from the Internet, we present @cosmosextips.
Cosmopolitan magazine's legendarily ludicrous sex tips have been skewered once again, this time with an Instagram account that takes the tips to audacious, sometimes disgusting, levels. Launched last month, the account pairs sun-dappled stock photos of happy couples with extensive sexual scenarios that would probably scare off Lars von Trier.
One recent "tip":
Blissmas Vacation: Book you and your bf a holiday trip for two to Odessa, Ukraine--it's cheap this time of year, not to mention magical! Once the jet lag has worn off, get dressed up and hit the town! Slip some roofies into your man's drink while he's not looking. Arrange to have two sexy black market doctors meet you at the club and transport your bf's bod to a nearby hotel. Have them remove one of his kidneys and sell it to the highest bidder! Don't be fooled by lowball offers. Organs sold on the black market can go for up to 200k in this part of the world, so get that money! Give the doctors their percentage of the sale (or just throw them each a thank you fuck if you don't feel like giving up your dough) and deposit the remaining amount into an offshore checking account. Once your man has recovered, he'll LOVE that you went the extra mile to secure your future together. It'll be a vacation you both never forget! #CosmoSexTip
Because why stick with boring doggy style when you could jet off on an international adventure?
Other moves to try include "Baby Love," which involves the squirting of breast milk in your lover's eyes; "Psychedelic Fur," which requires a bear suit, a wooded location and possibly a gun; and "Chilly Willy," a move using Icy Hot that sounds unusually close to something we've actually read in Cosmo.
The tips, which range from the silly to the wincingly grotesque, aren't only ridiculous parodies that prove how unrealistic women's sex tips can be. They also cleverly pick apart the "empowering" nature of women's sex advice, taking the "women in charge" motif to preposterous conclusions. After all, overtaking your lover with roofies and cutting out his kidneys is empowering, right?
Sexuality and empowerment aren't mutually exclusive for women, as Beyoncé is so great at reminding the world; in fact, sex itself can be empowering. But providing women with tips on how to behave to best please their lovers isn't the way to empower women any more than shaming women for saying "sorry" is the way to build up women's confidence.
Women's sex tips, like so much other advice and insights offered up to women, are really a one-two punch, simultaneously shaming and empowering them with jabs so quick we might not notice. Need evidence? Just take a look at Reductress, a feminist-leaning Onion-style site, whose headlines capture the irony of the media's messages to women. (See "5 Quirky Ways to Ask for an Orgasm After He's Finished.")
So what's actually empowering, if not "you go, girl" sex tips? Women taking control and having the sex lives they want, not necessarily the kind a magazine tells them to, or the kind 59% of men have reported fantasizing about — or the kind that prevails in mainstream porn.
There's nothing wrong with a life of the missionary position. If you want that, great. Want to do something so kinky it falls beyond the realm of Cosmo's pages? Awesome. Want to not have sex at all? Go right ahead.
Just whatever you do, don't get any ideas from @cosmosextips.