4 Days After Legal Gay Marriage, a "Redneck" Reports on the Hellscape Alabama's Become
Supporters of love and equality rejoiced when same-sex marriage was legalized in Alabama on Monday. The decision, however, was hardly without controversy.
Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore, for example, pushed back on the ruling and insisted that probate judges should not issue marriage licenses, although a federal judge ordered on Thursday that these licenses must be issued. And the state's Republican party head Bill Armistead wrote on Wednesday that Alabama, as well as the entire U.S., would likely "reap God's wrath" should they "embrace and condone things that are abhorrent to God, such as redefining marriage as anything other than a union between one man and one woman," according to Alabama.com.
So what hath God's wrath wrought? Citizen reporter Jeremy Addaway took it upon himself to deliver a field report to concerned outsiders about the post-marriage equality conditions in his state.
Addaway begins his report by acknowledging that "homosexuals" have been granted marriage equality — a seemingly hostile turn of phrase that he continues to use and which doesn't seem to bode well for the report. But then he begins to survey the field.
"This pile of brush is still here," he reports. "There are no homosexuals laying on top of it doing homosexual things." He moves further through the field, and encounters a shed.
"None in the shed either, but we've got to check into this further," he says before discovering that his "pile of junk" is right where he left it before gay marriage's legalization.
"It looks like we're pretty safe here," he concludes, noting that there don't appear to be "plagues of homosexuals falling from the sky."
This "Redneck News" report exposes exactly what vast numbers of pro-marriage equality advocates have been saying along: marriage equality is a human right, and allowing individuals to love one another will hardly encourage the "wrath" of God. As Addaway's report demonstrates, at the very least marriage equality has no impact on citizens' daily lives and, at best, improves the lives of many.
Addaway's report does include a cautionary note, though. "I did see two squirrels earlier that were kind of suspect," he warns. "We should look into that further because it may be spreading to the squirrel population."
Thanks to Addaway's intrepid field reporting, the GOP can now know that their rage over homosexuals is misplaced. It's the squirrels they need to watch.