Zombie Apocalypse: Bath Salt Suppliers Raided in Nationwide Crackdown


The Drug Enforcement Administration launched an unprecedented nationwide crackdown in conjunction with local authorities on suppliers of bath salts in more than 90 cities. “Bath salts” is a catch-all term for chemical products that are typically used for bathing. But recently they have gained fame as a go-to recreational drug of choice for adventurous substance abusers lacking access to traditional hard drugs. When uppers such as meth and cocaine are unavailable or too expensive, bath salts make for a more accessible and cheaper alternative. Of course, ingesting bath salts can make you batshit insane, but hey, just look at this crazy world and tell me the benefit of sanity!

Speaking of inhaling the stuff you find under you sink, you should never do it. Otherwise, you could end up like this girl:

You may recall that bath salts were originally implicated in the infamous Miami homeless zombie apocalypse face-eating incident in May. Subsequently, however, it was determined that bath salts were not to blame. Instead, it was just another day in Florida—the weirdest state in union.

But don’t be fooled: bath salts are potent—so potent that you don’t even have to take them to be driven mad by them. Witness the case of Daniel Avery, who, after his son overdosed on bath salts, destroyed the store that sold his son the stuff.

I’m sure that after today’s raids and recent legislation passed cracking down on bath salts, they will disappear forever and be inaccessible to everyone, just like all the other drugs that are currently banned. The great thing about the war on drugs is that it’s been so wildly successful, no one anywhere can buy illegal drugs! And that’s a good thing, because remember, folks, drugs are bad:


Unless of course, the drugs are being pushed on you by the pharmaceutical industry, whose products kill 300% more Americans than illegal drugs. But there’s a clear difference between the bath salt and the pharmaceutical industry: campaign donations.