Why We All Need Universal Spiritual Care


I’ve been thinking about the ACA for a while and I believe that I have been wrong. With the massive success of the ACA, I've changed my mind: the government isn’t doing too much, it’s not doing enough. Health care is just the beginning. It has occurred to me that there are tens of millions of people in serious danger of going to hell and many more that are simply not getting the spiritual care that they need. What we need in this country is reform. Serious spiritual reform.

Many nations have far more serious spiritual care than the U.S. In fact, we are well below Iran, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, India, Malaysia, Singapore and other advanced religious nations in providing this basic care to our citizens. In these countries, church attendance is close to 100% and for good reason: their caring government is involved.

Under the modern definition of "general welfare" and "taxation," the federal government has not only the right, but rather the obligation to solve this terrible problem. We know from many studies that, aside from having the heaven advantage, religious people are happier, better adjusted, and more family oriented. Universal Spiritual Care (USC) lowers the crime rate, extends life span, lowers alcoholism/drug use, creates happier kids, keeps families together, and even causes people to be more charitable with their time and money. The science is in and there is no doubt that we must act to save our people.

Now, some argue that many people do in fact have spiritual care, but many of them do not have enough preventive spiritual care as they do not see their minister or priest more than a few times per year. Others are “pray and dash” attendees that only visit church in emergencies (weddings, funerals, baptisms) and pay little or none of their tithing. Many are "illegal" immigrants. This means that regular church goers are paying the bulk of the spiritual care in the U.S., causing the burden to be distributed unfairly. Further, a disproportionate number of wealthy people skip out on church altogether, causing the spiritual care costs to be unfairly distributed to those least able to afford it.

I propose a bill of no fewer than 1,000 pages, because to create a simple bill would not fully address the complexity of the problem. The most important thing is make sure that everyone is enrolled in a church. After all, without church enrollment, there can be no spiritual care. Further, we must make sure that people can afford to go every week. As we know, not going to church every week condemns you to hell, unless there are mitigating circumstances. For those who cannot afford church, we will make available taxpayer subsidies to the church of the attendee’s choice to cover part or all of their tithings. Much of this money will come from the wealthy who don’t attend church now, so there will be little impact on the average church goer.

“But will you be able to keep your existing church?” Yes! If you like it, keep going [Church availability subject to discretion, please see government for details]. Churches will have to become registered and a spiritual care assessment will be done to make sure that they are providing you with the care you deserve. Basic spiritual care must include weekly mass, confession, and communion as a minimum level of care.

“Is there a possibility that there won’t be enough money and churches?” No, of course not. We see it as not just a possibility, but rather a large probability. So, just in case, we will have heaven panels to make sure that the most needy and most savable make it into church. If one of your family members has lived long enough to have committed great sins, he or she may have to give way to someone younger with less sin on his or her hands. But this will be done in an entirely impartial way, based on science. We will make sure that everyone who can be saved will be saved. 

“Some say that people such as Senator Ted Kennedy, at the end of his life and after sins such as vehicular manslaughter, adultery, sexual assaults, repeated drunken driving, abortion activism, etc, would not have qualified for expensive soul redeeming treatments, should my family and I be scared of this?” – No, of course not! Very few people have sinned as much as Ted Kennedy. He is a tough case, but he is an exception rather than the norm. We would certainly pray for his soul, but to be honest, there’s not much that could have been done for him.

 “How will we know that people are going to church and giving proper tithing?” The government will require that churches all change their paperwork to a single government standard. The government will then have a spiritual care commission that oversees the paperwork. All enrollees must submit their tax returns to the commission to ensure they are eligible for any subsidies. At some point, we hope to create a single payer system in which tithing is removed automatically from your check and paid to the church by the government. A true convenience for every church goer. This will shorten mass by nearly 2 minutes.

“Will illegal immigrants get spiritual care?” No. All churches will be required to card attendees at the door and to require proof of citizenship and social security numbers before submitting paperwork for payment. We will work to ensure that only bona fide American citizens get USC. The last thing we want to do is spend the churchgoers' money recklessly by saving non-tithing foreigners.

“What about a public option, to keep churches competitive?” This is under consideration. If it doesn’t make it into the first bill, we’re pretty sure that we can slip it in later. There is strong evidence that a public church will be less expensive to run due to lack of competition and government management, but if not, we have the advantage of being able to divert churchgoer money to the public church, making sure that many people tithe twice and are doubly insured of going to heaven.

“Wouldn’t a public church be illegal”? No. The Constitution says that the government may not establish a state religion. But the public church would be simply that: a church, not a religion. Therefore, it is legal.   Besides, that document isn't even close to being 2000 years old.  Only God's law matters. 

“If this is so important, why didn’t the founders create USC at the beginning of the country?” I don’t know, let me get back to you on that. Someday. But I’m sure that there was a good reason. Probably not enough money or something. Could we move on? What? Oh, wait, my lawyer says that “general welfare” of citizens didn’t exist in the Constitution back then. It’s a relatively new rationalization.

“Isn’t this something best left to the state or local level?” No. Otherwise we wouldn’t get to use the word “universal.” We like the word universal. It’s a cool word. Simultaneously spacey and yet inclusive. Besides, if all that Congress did was follow the Constitution and states' rights, how would we be able to say we did anything for the voters? It’s too important to be left to the states anyway, they might not do it well.  

“What if someone wants to opt out?” No, we know what is best for this person. Not everyone understands the value of spiritual care run by the government, but we will ensure that they understand by making it mandatory. They’ll get it eventually, and even come to demand it one day. People will say “Don’t touch my Spiritual Care!” We want to create a program so all-encompassing that one day, no one will be able to conceive of living without it. Within a generation or two, people will know no other way of life. They won’t remember the olden days before forced tithing and mandatory salvation. We must have salvation from cradle to grave. It is a right as guaranteed by the Constitution of the U.S. [as interpreted today, please see government for details, not all promises may be valid at the time of enrollment, your level of salvation may vary.]