Here's Your Strategy for Killing It on Black Friday, in 12 Easy Steps


Last year, more than half of all shoppers went shopping on Black Friday and throughout Thanksgiving weekend, and even more are expected this year. The average amount spent is expected to reach an astonishing $805 per person this year. Now, that sounds great and all, but here's the thing: We're incredibly lazy. 

Entire days of our lives have been spent without leaving our couches or even our beds. Netflix is just too good right now. Like, have you seen Jessica Jones? We definitely wanna participate in Black Friday, but we also don't want to get dressed. Isn't there an alternative to getting that eyeshadow kit without spending six hours outside a Sephora?

Yes, fellow people living in 2015 — it's called the Internet. And while there are many who do greatly benefit from the in-store experience on Black Friday, online shopping is an increasingly popular and common option. According to a new survey from Deloitte, 59% of people plan on doing their Thanksgiving weekend shopping online, versus only 36% in stores. Oh, and 66% are doing that online shopping on Black Friday and not waiting for Cyber Monday.

So to offer some assistance, we've created a step-by-step guide to killing it on Black Friday without leaving the house, thanks to the wondrous Internet. Here's how to strategize to optimize your purchasing and, importantly, your sanity. You can thank us later. 

1. Sleep for so long that your mom has to come in and take your pulse.

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You may think you've gotta get up at some ungodly hour like 4 or 5 a.m. to snag the best Black Friday deals, but that's just not the case. You've got this totally under control. You're a pro. Sleep in. You've been strategizing this literally for days and are exhausted! (You're reading this guide after all, aren't you?) You need some sleep, so take it.

2. Maybe eat some breakfast?

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*Grumble* Yeah, maybe you should show your family some respect and drag yourself to the table this morning. Fortunately, there's a pretty good chance that you're getting a breakfast comprised of either pancakes or Thanksgiving dinner leftovers. Turkey and mashed potatoes for breakfast rocks. You get to feel like you're British, and that's got major upsides. So eat up! You've got quite the day ahead of you.

3. Help your mom with the dishes. 

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Because you're not an asshole, that's why. 

4. Put on an appropriately comfortable Black Friday outfit.

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This part is so important. The rookies out there put on "athletic wear" like "yoga pants," or something. But really, it's all about comfort and cultural relevance. Try, perhaps, your new "Hotline Bling" holiday sweater. (P.S. If you haven't bought one yet, it's back in stock in limited quantities on Black Friday. We know you want one.) 

Or you can slip on something a little more, dare we say, political? Like this sweater plastered with a shirtless Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau riding a moose. As for pants, you can either 1) not wear them or 2) slip on the comfiest sweatpants you own — which, if you're in your childhood home, may be the ones you bought after gaining 15 pounds your first semester of college. Remember: There's always a silver lining. 

5. Snuggle up on the couch.

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OK, decision time, folks. If you opt for snuggling up on the couch, you get the added bonus of acting like you're being social with your family, when really you're just thanking the universe that there's a Property Brothers marathon on HGTV. Jonathan and Drew are just too handsome to be ignored. 

6. Open your computer.

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This takes *a lot* of effort, so don't strain yourself. Your muscles are weak, you gentle little bird. That mythical tryptophan may still be in your system (along with all those other carbs), slowing you down. Do not hurt yourself. 

7. Check Facebook to see all your friends looking tired in line at Kmart.

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As you stuff another slice of turkey into your maw, a smile graces your face. You feel alive. You feel like you've won. Your friends with less foresight left their beds at 5 a.m. to get a body wash they really wanted or, like, a TV. Who needs those anymore? It's called Netflix, hypothetical friend Hannah. Get with the program. 

8. Laugh.

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You know you want to. The simple delight of not leaving the house in the bitter cold and the extraordinary feeling of dodging a maddening line has left you euphoric. You laugh! 

9. Laugh some more.  

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"Hahahaha!" You're still going! "Hahahaha!" "I beat you, hypothetical friend Hannah!" you scream.

10. Open up or, or any shopping site on the Internet, really. 

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Let's fucking do this. Think about what you actually need to buy today and go from there. For starters, maybe your family's been on your case about not having a microwave. Maybe you tell them it's actually helping you eat healthier because if you did own one, you know you'd be eating Easy Mac for every meal of the day. That's a fair argument, but it's also not true.

Or, maybe your dad has been teasing you about all the ugly socks you stole from the ghosts of boyfriends past. Add that to the shopping list. Finally, maybe you know you should probably buy some fun makeup for the holiday party season. You can put "sexy makeup" on your list and let out a sigh of relief. 

11. Buy some shit.

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You see a microwave on Amazon for like $9.99. You buy that shit. You see some cute socks for sale on ASOS for $5.99. You buy that shit. You go on and see one of those deceivingly cheap makeup kits for like $15. You buy that shit.

This entire process takes roughly 10 minutes, Facebook stalking included. 

12. Spend the rest of the day with your family.

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This has been quite a day. You've ingested roughly five hours of Property Brothers and definitively decided that Jonathan (the handy one) is your favorite. You've also bought everything on your list, having dwelled for most of the day on the couch. As a reward, it's now time to hang out with your awesome family. It's time to talk to them, reminisce and laugh about the good times.

We're smart enough to know exactly when getting off the couch is really worth it. To shop among a swarm of people? Not so much. To eat leftovers with your family and chat about the most embarrassing parts of your youth? Definitely. 

Congratulations, you've won Black Friday.