8 Things That Are Way More Useful and Productive Than a Revenge Body
If you've ever thought about how sweet it would be to flaunt your hot ass in front of an ex — a cruel reminder of what they're missing out on — you're not alone. The concept of a "revenge dress" is as old as time, and the "revenge body" isn't exactly news either.
But there are more valuable and more empowering ways to avenge a breakup than trying to impress your ex with a new look. For example, there's the "revenge business," which lets you channel your negative breakup energy into a moneymaking venture that will likely outlast your youthful looks or "revenge body" diet discipline.
"So why expend the energy to achieve a temporary revenge body instead of a more comprehensive revenge legacy that will last long after we're dead?" the Cut's Dayna Evans wrote in January.
Nicole Leth, for example, named her "revenge" clothing business Sex + Ice Cream to reclaim the ritual she and her ex had together (until he ghosted her). Unlike the problematic ideals reinforced by proponents of the "revenge body" a la Khloé Kardashian, a revenge business is a way to remind yourself you are more than your relationship.
But why stop at the revenge business? There are plenty of creative ways to teach your ex that losing you was the gravest mistake of their life. Here are a few ideas.
Get a revenge promotion
Now that your ex is out of the picture, you might miss having a go-to cuddle buddy. Here's an idea: Work extra hours and impress the hell out of your boss, and you can cuddle with the fat stacks of cash that'll be deposited into your bank account once you get a promotion and a raise.
Binge-watch revenge bad TV
Take a deep breath (or inhale), pull up your Netflix account and get ready to experience something more liberating than anything you've ever experienced. You're about to watch hours of garbage television programming without any eye rolls or condescending explanations about how you're "rotting your brain" from your ex. You are singlehandedly putting the "chill" back in "Netflix and chill."
Go on a revenge vacation
Some skip town after a breakup to escape the memories of an ex that haunt their hometown. But not you. You're going on vacation to have so many adventures, forge so many new friendships, see so many iconic sites that your ex will feel compelled to unfollow you on Instagram.
Adopt a revenge pet
You're a moneymaking adult ready for the responsibility of having a furry companion by your side, but your ex was allergic to fur, so you put off the adoption for months. What better way to let the universe know your ex is no longer welcome in your life than adopting a shedding best friend and letting her tiny hairs thinly coat your newly anointed bachelor pad?
Buy a pair of revenge shoes
Your ex never understood why you enjoyed wearing stilettos. So instead of "fuck me pumps," you're opting to buy a beautiful pair of "fuck you heels" that are ridiculously high and make you feel like the 10-foot tall warrior goddess you always wanted to be.
Swipe on some revenge lipstick
Perhaps your ex "wasn't a fan" of bold lipsticks, so you kept it calm with pinks and berries. Now that you won't have to worry about smearing your lip stains on their face, though, you can unabashedly vamp it up with red, embrace your inner goth with black or even channel Rihanna with sparkly blue lipstick.
Earn a revenge degree
Knowledge is power, and now that you've got so much extra time on your hands you can work on empowering yourself in business school or the MFA program of your dreams, learning valuable skills and making connections that will help you get ahead in life, leaving your time-wasting ex in the dust.
Wear a revenge caftan
Putting on a silky caftan, an updated version of the revenge dress, can help you achieve Elizabeth Taylor-levels of glamour, without the Spanx, pushup bra and curve-hugging tightness of your typical freakum dress. Essentially a fancy bathrobe, you can glide around dramatically and not worry about busting a seam if you decide to eat an entire pint of post-breakup ice cream.
Once you've done one (or all) of these things, your ex will probably be jealous, but you won't even remember their name. Because filling your life with fun and achievement — while giving zero fucks about your ex or what they think — is the best revenge of all.