We Made Up 25 Holidays That Are Way Better Than Valentine's Day
Few holidays are as polarizing as Valentine's Day.
While some people are all about it, others hate it for being a dumb holiday invented by the greeting card industry. For single people in this camp, Valentine's Day can wind up being a reminder that you might die alone (lol, sad face); for people in relationships, it can be a source of enormous pressure to have 24 hours of romance and lovemaking, even if you're not particularly in the mood for either and would rather binge-watch true crime documentaries instead.
But you know what's not polarizing? Galentine's Day, the Leslie Knope-invented pre-Valentine's Day fiesta of female friendship that's "like Lilith Fair, minus the angst. Plus frittatas." Also superior to Valentine's Day is the holiday of Palentine's Day, which is basically just Galentine's Day for bros.
So in the spirit of these two mid-February alternatives, here are 25 more special occasions that also rhyme with Valentine's Day and are better than Valentine's Day. You're welcome.
Pen Pal-entine's Day: In which you handwrite a letter (with, like, an old-fashioned quill pen) to a dear friend from afar.
Chicken Caesar Sal-entine's Day: In which you prepare a traditional Caesar salad from scratch, top it with hormone-free grilled chicken breast and then eat it.
Jimmy Fal-entine's Day: In which you go on a YouTube spiral of Jimmy Fallon's best late-night interviews and musical guest performances through the years. (BTW, here is a clip of Fallon playing champagne pong with Mariah Carey in 2013.)
Cal-entine's Day: In which you celebrate the life and times of legendary baseball player Cal Ripken, Jr.
Work-Life Bal-entine's Day: In which you're just like, "BRB, grabbing a latte" to your boss before disappearing for two hours to treat yourself to a relaxing spa package from Massage Envy.
Femme Fatale-entine's Day: In which you spend the afternoon reading this book about female serial killers while simultaneously listening to the 2011 Britney Spears album Femme Fatale in the background.
Chorale-entine's Day: In which you and a small group of friends sing a four-part a cappella arrangement of Handel's "Messiah."
Casino Royale-entine's Day: In which you wear a suit and pretend that you're James Bond in the 2006 film Casino Royale starring British heartthrob Daniel Craig.
Hidden Tal-entine's Day: In which you set your spirit free and perform a secret talent for coworkers and/or casual acquaintances.
Panama Canal-entine's Day: In which you read the Panama Canal Wikipedia entry. (It's actually kinda mesmerizing, TBH.)
Birth Canal-entine's Day: In which you watch an educational documentary 'bout the miracle of childbirth.
Root Canal-entine's Day: In which you pop into a random dentist's office unannounced and ask the receptionist detailed questions about how root canals work. Do they use a drill? Do they use a scalpel? You must know.
"I Think I Shall"-entine's Day: In which you do something that you just feel like doing, y'know?
Shallow Hal-entine's Day: In which you revisit the 2001 romantic comedy Shallow Hal featuring pre-GOOP Gwyneth Paltrow in a fat suit and funnyman Jack Black not in a fat suit.
Ital-entine's Day: A dual celebration in which you a) honor Italian culture by eating a cannoli, and b) write all your work emails exclusively in italics.
Dal-entine's Day: In which you travel to Dallas for a work convention.
Debbie Does Dal-entine's Day: Similar to the above, but with a twist! (The twist is that you blow everybody at the convention.)
Golden Corral-entine's Day: In which you dine at the American chain restaurant/buffet Golden Corral.
Office Morale-entine's Day: In which you set aside your career ennui/existential angst and attempt to be a source of positive energy for your coworkers.
Amy Pascal-entine's Day: In which you challenge yourself to write poetry using only words and phrases found in emails from 2014's infamous Sony hack.
L'Oréal-entine's Day: In which you give yourself a fun 'n flirty makeover using only L'Oréal Paris makeup and haircare products.
Cobb Sal-entine's Day: Similar to Chicken Caesar Sal-entines Day, but with a Cobb salad instead.