What If We Celebrated Valentine's Day in the Office Like We Did in Elementary School?


Remember childhood? Remember the '90s? Remember Valentine's Day as a child in the '90s?

It was a great time to be alive!

The mandatory annual exchange of Valentine's Day cards with literally everyone in your class provided many children with a respite from the doldrums of the classroom. And it didn't hurt that the occasion often involved nifty paper valentine cut-outs featuring such iconic pop cultural imagery as The Lion King, Berenstain Bears and Doug.


So here's a thought! What if we engaged in this ritual now? Like, as "adults" in the "real world." What if we were required to platonically celebrate Valentine's Day with the people we spend most of our waking weekday hours with, giving them paper cutout cards with the pop culture references that resonate with us today?

Let's explore the possibilities with some grown-up V-Day cards that are perfect for most any modern office!

1. A simple yet elegant Bernie Sanders valentine.

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Perfect for: That Bernie Bro from the accounting department because you're friends with him on Facebook and he's always posting impassioned rants about how Sanders could "totally start a political revolution, man."

2. An eye-grabbing valentine featuring Crazy Eyes from Orange is the New Black

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Perfect for: Your secret work crush, because a) the two of you once had shared a light laugh in a meeting over a well-timed OITNB reference, and b) the fact that you remember this insignificant moment means that you truly are crazy-eyes for this person.

3. A spooky li'l valentine featuring some dragons from Game of Thrones.

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Perfect for: Your backup secret work crush (y'know, in case the other one gets married). The phrase "I won't be dragon your heart around" is perfect here because you know that, if given the chance, you'd treat their heart with the love and care of a surgeon's hands.

4. An anti-Taylor Swift valentine with a subtle Smurfs reference.

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Perfect for: Your work spouse who hates Taylor Swift but loves the Smurfs. (This is specific, yes, but what work spouse relationship isn't built atop a foundation of myriad inside jokes and shared references?)

5. A slightly condescending but mostly good-natured Hillary Clinton valentine.

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Perfect for: That guy who thinks he's hilarious and somehow always manages to cram, like, ten corny li'l jokes into every one of his office-wide work emails.

6. A frisky little Fifty Shades of Grey valentine.

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Perfect for: Barb from HR. She will pretend to be upset that you're violating the company's anti-sexual harassment policy, but you'll know she's full of shit because you once saw her eating chocolate and reading Fifty Shades in the cafeteria with a sweaty forehead and a flushed complexion.

7. A "Hymn for the Weekend" valentine that makes some kind of reference to cultural appropriation.

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Perfect for: Your v. socially conscious intern who just graduated from Sarah Lawrence. He'll either love it or hate it; there will be no middle ground — but you're his superior, so take the risk!

8. A random selection of various Kim Kardashian valentines.

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Perfect for: People you don't interact with all that often (temps, that IT guy who never speaks, etc.) but have to give cards to so they don't feel left out. Also, the "Don't be fucking rude — be mine" one will be appreciated by anybody who loves a good internet meme.