All Paula Deen Wants From Her Clothing Line Is For It To "Cover [Her] Front Privates”


Paula Deen, a basket of biscuits rendered animate, is launching a clothing line, y'all. Called Paula Deen's Closet, the line includes breezy separates, long cardigans and tunics. Also in that same closet, we're guessing, are skeletons involving racism and discrimination lawsuits

Read more: Rihanna's Manolo Blahnik Shoe-Pants Are Forcing Us to Ask Many Questions

But anyway, yes, a woman who built an empire essentially on a pyramid of butter only to see it slowly melt down, is now a fashion designer. In an interview with People, Deen actually puts a good amount of thought into this design business. In fact, she really only has one main priority when it comes to her clothes. 

"I don't know how to say this to you in a nice way, but it has to cover my front privates," Deen said. "I want my shirttail to cover my front privates and hopefully my back, too." 

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When you think about it, "cover my front privates," is such a beautiful way of saying "please cover my vulva." The only person we can think of who may be against this priority is Rihanna, but that's just as it should be. 

We love and truly understand "cover my front privates" so we'd also like to announce some of our personal priorities when it comes to clothes: 

1. Shield my cankles, kindly. 

2. Eliminate my beer belly, if you wouldn't mind. 

3. Slim my thighs, if you would be so good. 

4. Elongate my legs, maybe if you can. 

5. Suck in my waist, prithee. 

6. Cover my back privates, we beg of you.

According to Deen, even with this amazing and necessary priority set in stone, it was still quite difficult for fashion to take her seriously. 

"It was a little hard for me to break out of the kitchen because that's how people think of me," she said. "But if you notice, I never cooked naked. I was always wearing clothes!"

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Apparently, viewers would write in to ask Deen on a regular basis about the clothes she was wearing for years.

So a clothing line made sense to her, especially after the Food Network completely dropped her following incriminating racist remarks and that time her son wore brownface on national television. But that's not the point. 

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes of a pan of burnt green beans, Deen now has a clothing line. And we're just jazzed that any and all front privates will be covered.