The Worst Things About the New 'Bachelorette' Contestants, Ranked
This is Jojo Fletcher.
Jojo came in second on the last season of The Bachelor. Because she was so likable among a crowd of very strange contestants, she made it far, encouraging Bachelor Ben Higgins to confess his love for her.
Then, he dumped Jojo for the eventual winner, Lauren and they're now engaged. But Jojo doesn't have anything to sweat — it's her turn to find love as the new Bachelorette.
Ahead of the 12th season premiere of The Bachelorette, scheduled for May 23, ABC has released photos and short bios of the men vying for Jojo's heart. On the looks front, they are all very attractive (if disappointingly still very white) guys. On the bio front, these guys said some pretty fucked up things!
Here, we run down the worst thing said by each of the 26 contestants, ranked from only mildly irritating to truly horrid. Theoretically, Jojo should wind up with the guy at the bottom of this list — but who knows? Love can be a crazy game, particularly on The Bachelorette.
26. Jordan, 27, former pro quarterback
Worst thing he said: Unless he's hiding a tail or something, Jordan's winning this thing. The worst thing about him is that he loves Vince Vaughn, but that's fine. He said he admires his grandparents most because, "They broke the mold after their generation. They are the most loving people and best example of love and selflessness." Give him all the roses.
25. Derek, 29, commercial banker
Worst thing he said: Nothing. Derek is perfect. Look at Derek's eyes. Look at his smile. Look at his answer to who he admires most in the world: "I think in history, this would fall to Ben Franklin. He was able to view the world with childlike wonder to feed his creative and inventive side and balance that with a work ethic that produced massive shifts for the greater good." He's so great, he'll probably be boring to watch and will come in second or third. #DerekForBachelor2017
24. Vinny, 28, barber
Worst thing he said: Vinny's pretty great! We like Vinny. He would want the power of healing if he were a superhero so he could help other people. How sweet. Yeah, his answer to the most outrageous thing he's ever done ("at 16, I flew to Mexico to surprise my boys on spring break") is pretty milquetoast. But in this crop, we'll take mild over maddening.
23. Robby, 27, former competitive swimmer
Worst thing he said: We're generally into Robby, and into Robby's comfort with casual partial nudity ("I have spent more of my life in a Speedo than in everyday clothes!"). But Robby's thoughts on number of children are conflicting: "3 ... 4 ... 5 ... whatever my future wife and I are comfortable with. But coming from a large family, there's no chance we stop at two!" What if your future wife only wants one, Robby? What then?
22. Alex, 25, U.S. Marine
Worst thing he said: Alex is the baby of this group! He's fine. Great teeth. He said the most outrageous thing he's ever done was, "ripped the door off a totaled, burning car and pulled the unconscious driver out to safety." Which is impressive, sure, but maybe a little braggy. Leave impressing people to the show, Alex.
21. Ali, 27, bartender
Worst thing he said: Aw, Ali seems very sweet, and also like he's not cut out for this competition. Fellow Mic writers and Bachelorette enthusiasts Jordyn Taylor and Anna Swartz said the worst thing about him is the animals he's afraid of:
20. Wells, 31, radio DJ
Worst thing he said: We admire that he went on "safari in Africa." We do not admire that his reasoning for why it was so great was "cuz it was a safari in AFRICA!" Give us more, Wells. Like, which country in Africa? It's a big continent!
19. James F., 34, boxing club owner
Worst thing he said: Eh, James F. is pretty inoffensive. If anything, we'd say he seems to be spinning a story. Take his answer to what marriage means to him: "Life-long commitment. I see it as a huge, huge deal. Too many divorces are happening. I would love to have the marriage my parents have." It's almost like he's crafting himself an audience-friendly narrative, not being real.
18. Christian, 26, telecom consultant
Worst thing he said: Nothing's too egregious, but he's weirdly not chill about what kind of guy he is at a party. "When it's time to party and I'm with friends, I'm partying," he said. "There's a time and place for everything." Take it easy, Christian, this isn't a test.
17. Chase, 27, medical sales rep
Worst thing he said: Question: "Meatloaf said he would 'do anything for love, but he won't do that.' What will you not do?" Answer: "Sell my truck." Are you kidding? You're giving up months of your life for a reality show but won't sell your damn truck? There are other trucks in the world!
16. Will, 26, civil engineer
Worst thing he said: We question his taste in music (He wants to be John Mayer because "I want to melt faces with a guitar solo, then melt hearts with some sappy lyrics."), but that's forgivable. His hatred of when women he's dating speak "about heavy subjects too soon" is less so. Don't censor the person you're with, Will.
15. Nick S., 26, software salesman
Worst thing he said: He said he most dislikes "scary cheeses," which feels like it's not really a thing. But as Mic staff writer Anna Swartz noted, Nick S. also said his dream job would be to be Don Draper.
14. Luke, 31, war veteran
Worst thing he said: Luke's got rules for his dates: He hates when a girl "talks about an ex, can't make up her mind or name drops." Quite picky, huh, Luke? But his answer to which superhero he'd want to be is definitely the worst: "Superman, because he's got swag and powers."
13. Jake, 26, landscape architect
Worst thing he said: Question: "Do you have a serious fear of any kind of animal?" Answer: "Of course not. Top of the food chain." Cutely confident, or just plain cocky? You decide.
12. Peter, 26, staffing agency manager
Worst thing he said: What is the worst style Peter thinks he ever wore? "Sk8er boi. I also went through a pretty 'thuggish' stage." Peter, Peter. Peter. What does "thuggish" even mean, Peter?
11. Coley, 27, real estate consultant
Worst thing he said: His favorite holiday is the "4th of July ... because 'Merica." No, sir.
10. Grant, 27, firefighter
Worst thing he said: Grant's worst date memory is "getting lunch with a girl and listening to her talk about Harry Potter for 20 minutes." What's wrong with Harry Potter, Grant? Are you mad he can put out fires with magic faster than you can with a hose?
9. Jonathan, 29, technical sales rep
Worst thing he said: Jonathan made this tough! Is the worst thing that he couldn't decide on a favorite author, so said both "J.D. Salinger or R.L. Stine"? How about that he doesn't think gluten is a real allergy? The fact that he likes when his date "pretends to reach for the bill" is just the condescending cherry on top.
8. Brandon, 28, hipster
Worst thing he said: His listed occupation is "hipster."
7. Nick B., 33, electrical engineer
Worst thing he said: The first of the two Nicks alphabetically is also the worst Nick. Who would he want to be for a day? "I would be the woman I want to marry so I could find out what's in her head," he said. "Plus, I'm pretty sure I could only last a day being inside a woman's head." Nope!
6. James Taylor, 29, singer-songwriter
A singer-songwriter named James Taylor? Okay, James, we see you.
Worst thing he said: My god, the three things he'd want on a desert island are just the bro-iest of the bro. "Umbrella, cold beer (unlimited supply, of course), and a beautiful woman," he said. A woman is not a thing, James Taylor!
5. James S., 27, Bachelor superfan
Okay, first off, "Bachelor superfan" is not an occupation. It's also the easiest way to get called out for not being there for the right reasons. A superfan would know that, James S. (Also, what's with all the Jameses this season? This is some Lauren bullshit.)
Worst thing he said: James S. hates it when his dates try to pick up the tab. "Two things women shouldn't touch on a date: the door and the bill," he said. Welcome to 2016, James S. We hope Jojo firmly grabs the door and slams it in his face.
4. Evan, 33, erectile dysfunction expert
Wait. "Erectile dysfunction expert"?
Worst thing he said: What are Evan the erectile dysfunction expert's dealbreakers when it comes to women? "Girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies." Sorry, girls born with food allergies. This erectile dysfunction expert isn't here for you.
3. Daniel, 31, male model
Worst thing he said: A real race to the bottom here: He liked The Revenant, keeps referring to his body as "a Lambo" (He doesn't have tattoos, for the "same reason you don't put stickers on a Lambo") and yet is afraid his date will embarrass him when they go out together. Put the Lambo back in the parking garage, Daniel.
2. Chad, 28, luxury real estate agent
Worst thing he said: Chad responded to three separate questions — who he admires most, who he wants to be for one day, who he wants to have lunch with — with the exact same answer: "Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright." Ban Chad.
1. Sal, 28, operations manager
Worst thing he said: Sal needs to chill. What three things could he not live without if he were on a desert island? "Cell phone, gun, portable air conditioner," he said. First of all, no cell signal on the island. Second, the island's deserted, who are you shooting? Third, all that cold air from your air conditioner won't be contained in anything, because you're on a goddamn deserted island.
Adding insult to injury, he said, "No Kardashians on the island." Sal should be so lucky that a Kardashian would want to spend spend time with him.