The sex tech of today, however, is futuristic AF.
If the future turns you on, you're not alone. All over the planet, tech geniuses are inventing shiny, sleek, scientific ways to get off, alone or with a partner. Take this dildo that syncs up to VR porn, for example.
If your loins burn at the whir of a drone or the chinking of a robot's metallic joints in motion, read on — here's what the future has in store for your genitalia.
1. Get hot and bothered over the AI-generated sexy story customized for you based on your naughty Google searches.
2. Or just blow onto your Kindle when your erotic novel gets to the good part — it'll activate your synced up vibrator.
3. Remotely control a sex toy, creating a special pattern for that special someone that hits all the right spots while you're 3,000 miles away.
5. Head to your local robot brothel (coming soon!). It is guaranteed STI-free; however, they can't be sure whether your sex robot is sentient or not.
6. Talk dirty to an AI assistant.
You: You free for a drink?
7. When you realize your passes at a noncorporeal digital assistant are futile, purchase your own artificially intelligent sex doll.
8. Strap on a virtual reality headset, slip into a full-body Tenga-clad suit and download your favorite raunchy video. Imagination is for the analog.
10. Incubus was wrong: Don't take the wheel and drive. Get in the backseat and grind. Have sex in a driverless car, climaxing about how efficient the 405 freeway has become since Google unleashed its fleet of autonomous vehicles.
11. Create an augmented reality dream significant other to pine over.
12. Stream a dirty movie from your smart contact lens. Not recommended while operating heavy machinery.
13. Star in a virtual reality porn film. Fair warning for men: you'll have to bear a heavy load.
15. Think of a fire tweet that organically gets so many retweets you orgasm thinking about that raw engagement.
16. Receive an unsolicited Invisible Ink dick pic on your iPhone and think of such a perfect clapback that you orgasm from your genius.
17. Stare deeply into your Snapchat reflection, overcome with how amazing you look with dog ears and a dog nose. Discover your iPhone screen is an erogenous zone.
18. If you're a generation behind the times, you can always talk dirty over the landline. Or sit on a washing machine. Maybe order porn over pay-per-view.