A history — and celebration — of Rihanna nearly killing us at Crop Over
Every summer, we get this inkling. Will this be a year when we get blessed with pictures and videos of Rihanna attending Crop Over, the annual summer festival and parade held in her homeland of Barbados?
On Monday, the walls of the rooms we sat in began to shake. The windows began to crack. The floor began to rumble. She was there. We knew it. Rihanna was attending the 2017 Crop Over Festival.
And she did so looking like this.
Our world hasn’t been the same since.
Our skin is moisturized. Our checkbook is balanced. We haven’t let our bodies do anything but lunges in the past 18 hours. We are better. We are brighter. We cannot stop thinking about what wearing a turquoise wig would do to our future. We are exhausted, but it’s fine.
Will we ever be able to rise again? Will we ever be able to look in a mirror again? We don’t know; we’re currently still bedridden. But it’s fine because Rihanna is thriving, and that’s the only thing that matters.
She almost killed us this year. She really did.
It is not the first time we have been this close to death as a result of Rihanna’s very existence.
In 2011, she tried it.
In 2013, she tried it.
And in 2015, she tried it.
Every two years, at Crop Over, she tries to break us.
But still, we continue to live, left only to continuously wait and hope for Rihanna to emerge at Crop Over yet again, like a comet or a star, two things she probably technically qualifies as too.