The 12 Biggest Offseason Moves In Baseball . . . In Haikus
Come April, our nation’s present matters—fiscal cliff, NFL playoffs, holiday plans—will have settled into history like so many snowflakes gently caressing a pond. To ready their teams for battle, MLB GMs kick into high gear to acquire top talent. Here do we humbly present the 12 most notable offseason moves in the MLB…as haiku.
1. Dodgers add to a historic acquisition spree with Zack Grienke for $140 million, six years
Dodgers spending lots of dough
Kershaw’s backup guy
2. Josh Hamilton joins the Angels for $125 million, terrifies every other team
The league’s best hitters?
They’re sharing the same dugout.
Rangers will regret.
3. Closer Mariano Rivera, defying last year’s injury, returns to the Yankees
Cutter coming back
Greatest ever, one more year
Pinstripes fans rejoice
4. Royals acquire James Shields in exchange for the small sum of four of the league’s top prospects
Royals gave too much
Prospects go to Tampa Bay
An Ace? We’ll find out
5. B.J. Upton joins Braves for $75.25 million over five years
Chipper Jones is gone
Young, strong righty joins the club
Kind of a big deal
6. Former Red Sox Kevin Youkilis joins the Yankees to cover for A-Rod’s absence
Blood enemies once
Youk will go into Mordor
for twelve million bucks
7. Melky joins Toronto after a solid season in San Francisco was cut short with a drug probation
Made a fake website
But were the numbers fake too?
Canada’s drug laws…
8. 40-year old Andy Pettitte paid $12 million to try it once more with the Yankees
Profligate team needs pitchers
Please don’t do steroids
9. Torii Hunter rejoins the AL central, signs with Detroit for two years at $26 million
Old man, solid stats
Like the carlos Beltran deal
Tigers are so stacked
10. Giants retain one of the league’s best second basemen in 37-year old Marco Scutaro
Stud in the Series
Runs out the clock in San Fran
Contract through 40
11. Pirates snap up thoroughly mediocre catcher Russell Martin to make a bad team more thoroughly mediocre
He’s a middl’ng bat
They’re a team with one good guy
Match made in heaven
12. White Sox get a good infielder and lefty killer in Jeff Keppinger
Pale hose get role guy
Brent Morel replaced at last?
Third base up for grabs