The 12 Biggest Offseason Moves In Baseball . . . In Haikus


Come April, our nation’s present matters—fiscal cliff, NFL playoffs, holiday plans—will have settled into history like so many snowflakes gently caressing a pond. To ready their teams for battle, MLB GMs kick into high gear to acquire top talent. Here do we humbly present the 12 most notable offseason moves in the MLB…as haiku.

1. Dodgers add to a historic acquisition spree with Zack Grienke for $140 million, six years

Retail therapy

Dodgers spending lots of dough

Kershaw’s backup guy

2. Josh Hamilton joins the Angels for $125 million, terrifies every other team

The league’s best hitters?

They’re sharing the same dugout.

Rangers will regret.

3. Closer Mariano Rivera, defying last year’s injury, returns to the Yankees

Cutter coming back

Greatest ever, one more year

Pinstripes fans rejoice

4. Royals acquire James Shields in exchange for the small sum of four of the league’s top prospects

Royals gave too much

Prospects go to Tampa Bay

An Ace? We’ll find out

5. B.J. Upton joins Braves for $75.25 million over five years

Chipper Jones is gone

Young, strong righty joins the club

Kind of a big deal

6. Former Red Sox Kevin Youkilis joins the Yankees to cover for A-Rod’s absence

Blood enemies once

Youk will go into Mordor

for twelve million bucks

7. Melky joins Toronto after a solid season in San Francisco was cut short with a drug probation

Made a fake website

But were the numbers fake too?

Canada’s drug laws…

8. 40-year old Andy Pettitte paid $12 million to try it once more with the Yankees

Aging Southerner

Profligate team needs pitchers

Please don’t do steroids

9. Torii Hunter rejoins the AL central, signs with Detroit for two years at $26 million

Old man, solid stats

Like the carlos Beltran deal

Tigers are so stacked

10. Giants retain one of the league’s best second basemen in 37-year old Marco Scutaro

Stud in the Series

Runs out the clock in San Fran

Contract through 40

11. Pirates snap up thoroughly mediocre catcher Russell Martin to make a bad team more thoroughly mediocre

He’s a middl’ng bat

They’re a team with one good guy

Match made in heaven

12. White Sox get a good infielder and lefty killer in Jeff Keppinger

Pale hose get role guy

Brent Morel replaced at last?

Third base up for grabs