End of the World 2012: 10 Reasons We Deserve the World to End
By now, if you're not looting your neighbor's house for survival gear, you're probably laughing at the whole "end of the world" hysteria. Although your local Major Tom is most likely sitting in disbelief, those of us defunct of tinfoil hats can now finish off the year without distractions.
As silly as such a prediction maybe, I couldn't help explore the "what if" part of my brain, which brandished thoughts of real reasons why the world should end. So, in the spirit of satire and the Mayans, here are the Top 10 things that justify the end of the world.
1) Gangam Style
Not since Vanilla Ice has a song inspired legions of rhythm-less white kids to bump-n-grind on dance floors nation-wide like Psy's "Gangam Style." A song so big, that it even knocked Justin Bieber off of the top spot on YouTube - which is something that I'd normally celebrate. In a time where I didn't think that pop music could get any worse, Psy comes from nowhere removing all doubt. "Gangam Style" has become such a hit, that it even stands a chance of being entered into a U.K. dictionary as an official word - and if that isn't a sign of the apocalypse, then I'm not sure what is.
2) The Doritos Locos Taco
Just in case late night food runs, filled with gobs of nacho cheese, taco sauce, and tortilla chips didn't cut it for you, Taco Bell may have made your stoner fantasies come true this year. By combining the two major food groups of their most loyal clientele, Taco Bell certainly created something for the history books. One-part Doritos and one-part taco, it's the ultimate "YOLO" food for all to enjoy. Although revered by foodies and post-party consumers as being ingenious, I find it to be in-palatable at best.
3) The Brown & Black Fad
For years, maybe centuries, it was understood that the most vial of color combinations was brown and black. Yet, 2012 ushered in the fad like it has been a main-stay for years. From fashionistas to soccer moms, it seemed as if everyone was dawning the look - with little compassion for those of us forced to set our eyes on such a monstrosity. Initially hoping that it was going to be a flash-bang trend, it looks like that this fashion statement is here for the long run - truly, a justifiable reason for the world to end.
4) Aerosmith's New Album
If you thought "Just Push Play" was a pile, then you're in for quite a treat on the appropriately titled "Music From Another Dimension." In an attempt to mix Frank Zappa-esque concepts, with the laissez-faire rock styling’s of the Rolling Stones, it fails to deliver on either platform. Who would of thought the band that wrote "Mama Kin", could come up with this catastrophe? Granted, I thought it was the end of the world when Aerosmith teamed up with Britney Spears and N'Sync a few years back, but this time around it's 100% on them. Next time they decide to write a new record, I pray they start using drugs again - at least then there will be a shot of rekindling the "Toys in the Attic" era.
5) End of the World Predictions
From the Mayans and Nostradamus to Harold Camping and the global warming crowd, we've all grown tired of the "Dooms Day" predictions. If only someone could just be right, so we'd never have to hear one ever again.
6) Fifty Shades of Grey
Besides the fact that this series of books is nothing more than porn for lonely housewives, the thought of hearing the title again makes my skin crawl. For much of 2012, it seemed as if every person, place, and thing was meant for the sole purpose of discussing "Fifty Shades of Grey." Although certainly good for puns early on, as the book's momentum picked up, it became as deplorable as the iconic "Wazzup" commercials of the early 2000's. Frankly, as talks of the book's potential movie bid grow larger, the end of the world is starting to seem more and more like a goal.
7) Replacement Refs
The NFL has already been going out if it's way to turn itself into the "No Fun League" and then they had to go and get replacement refs. In so doing, they made sure that all football fans could equally loath watching their team play each week. If this were to happen again, I might have to switch to watching soccer - which would become reasons 1-10 on the "Top 10 Reasons I Want to Hang Myself" list.
Everyone knows that you only live once (YOLO). So why drunken college kids feel the need to scream this, right before making potentially life-ending decisions - I'll never know.
9) Honey Boo Boo
I'm not sure which is worse, Honey Boo Boo and her family, or the people who jack up the show's ratings and popularity each week. Either way, it appears that humanity is already on the decline and the end of the world might do us some good.
10) The Black Keys
Since American music hasn't been dumbed-down to sub-mediocre levels enough as it is, the Black Keys have gathered enough popularity to ensure that the decline will continue. Being touted by some as the band to bring back the golden age of rock, the Black Keys have certainly exploded over the last year - if only literally. On account that I'm a native to their hometown, I should probably support the band to some extent - but if they're the future of rock 'n' roll, then the world is already dead to me.
So next time your crazy Uncle sits you down and discusses the ways the world could end, just pull out this list and show him why the world should end. Assuming, of course, that the world hasn't ended and you'll actually have a "next time" to sit down with your crazy Uncle.