End of the World 2012: Post-Apocalypse To Do List
Well, the world didn't end yesterday. And now that today is just another day, sun still shining, world still turning, humanity still existing, I’ve got a bit of a mess to clean up.
To Do Today
1) Tell my boss that I was totally kidding and I really, really still want my job.
2) Tell my mom that of course I take full responsibility for all of my personal failings and am fully aware that to do otherwise would be absurd. Tell her I’m sure I came out of the womb this neurotic.
3) Get tested and make sure that stranger didn’t give me AIDS on our end-of-the-world date.
4) Buy a pregnancy test.
5) Have a doctor check me out and make sure that cocktail of random street drugs I finally had the courage to try didn’t permanently damage my heart or brain.
6) Call my high school science teacher and apologize, tell her I don’t really hope the end of the world is “especially painful for her.” Never mind. I still mean that one, even if it’s not the end of the world yet.
7) Go to the grocery store with a note of apology explaining that I’ve always wanted to trash a supermarket, and a blank check to cover the damage.
8) Get a second job to cover the cost of the supermarket damage, assuming I still have my first job.
9) Ask the grocery store for surveillance footage of me doing snow angels in the produce and smashing jars of tomato sauce with a baseball bat, because if I have to pay for it, I should be able to relive it.