Dianne Fienstein Outed as a Secret Indoor Firing Range Devotee (Satire)


"She's one of the best shots I've seen," an anonymous patron of Sharp Shooters Small Arms Range in Springfield, Virginia, volunteered — coming forward with what few suspected. "She knows her way around a rifle I can promise you that. Have you seen her arms? That woman could wrestle a grizzly to the ground."

No, we're not talking about Sarah Palin. It's been confirmed: Senator Dianne Feinstein, assault rifle banner in chief, is a secret indoor range shooter. She's been seen sneaking around this particular establishment for weeks now. But many patrons just thought it was a local woman. The establishment is far enough away from inner Washington D.C. for prying politicos to notice. But when you go at night, and use a fake name, no one worries too much.

The same patron, so forthcoming, but so adamant about not revealing his name continued, "I think she's partial to an AK-47 from what I gather. Apparently, she tried it out at her vacation home, but when she shot a hole through her neighbor's pet cactus, she gave that up. Now she's working with a .38 special. It's the newest gun this place has to offer for indoor sharpshooters."

Taken aback, I asked, "did you know she's heading up the effort to ban all assault weapons?"

He laughed, "Well I'm not surprised. She's got to do something to keep her credibility in San Francisco. But every woman has to blow off steam. I think she used to arm wrestle Hilary Clinton, but she's bedridden now."

I piped in again, "blow off steam? Why not just go for a run or throw darts at a wall? She's a Senator for crying out loud. If someone found out she was living a double life, she would be ruined."

Again, he continued, "it's like Tiger Woods and his love of extra women. Everyone has a secret life."

Feinstein did have a license to carry a concealed handgun in 1995. Maybe going to the range in secret is her only salvation from any number of frustrations, including fluctuating menopausal hormones. Women sometimes feel disproportionate anger and rage. Better she shoots at a target dummy than at her unsuspecting husband.

Again, I had to inquire what would bring her here, and how she could go unnoticed until now. He said, "she comes in wearing black tracksuits, hair pulled back in a cap. Oversized sunglasses. When it's late like this, no one asks too many questions."

I asked, "do you know what her alias is? It's not like she wouldn't look suspicious."

He replied, in a hushed tone, "I think she's partial to Bonnie Parker."

Of course, it all made sense, she was borrowing from "Bonnie and Clyde." The myth, the legend, the notorious outlaws. Dianne Feinstein has been officially outed as an indoor sharpshooting range specialist, with exceptional skill. Ironic that she's the one helming an assault weapon ban, but who would dare mess with Rambo Dianne.