Resident Evil: What If Raccoon City Banned Assault Weapons a Month Before the Resident Evil Outbreak?


With all the talk about gun control and the Second Amendment, people seem to have forgotten the one legitimate threat and the truest reason to keep a gun: zombies. Considering all the scientific advancements, and the insistence to keep government regulation away from business because it “impedes progress,” the day is not far when some chemical goes down the wrong drain or is dumped in the wrong ditch.

That is the basic idea behind Resident Evil, and it paints a grim picture indeed.

Just imagine: an entire city that repeatedly gets taken over because one corporation insists on conducting the same dangerous experiments. Albert Wesker is the most ruthless entrepreneur of the video game world, but I’m pretty sure his genius intellect is primarily used to lobby against any sort of government regulation.

A bi-weekly progress report, you say? Bah! Is not laissez-faire!

Then, when that ball effectively gets dropped each time, we are forced to confront zombies in Resident Evil and the solution, as always, is a gun. Of course, that doesn’t seem illogical at all because, in video games, every solution involves a gun. Poor immigrant trying to make it in the city? Gun. Retired cop looking for work? Gun. Invincible demons raining from the sky? Demon sword and gun.

Why the NRA doesn’t like this industry, I have no idea.

Just imagine if there wasn’t a gun for all these situations though. Just imagine that, because of hundreds of isolated incidents throughout the country and thousands dead due to gun violence, the government was so rash as to actually bring in some legislation. The five seconds someone would have to spend to call the cops or the five is valuable killing time being wasted on legalities.

Ultimately, there really are two options for the Raccoon City government: one, continue to let every citizen have firearms so they can survive the invasion, or two, hand businesses a set of rules for what they can do. Of course, that second one takes away someone’s right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness because, let’s face it, corporations are people too.

Ironically, Resident Evil confirms that random armed individuals don’t stop the invasion; they are the invasion. The people actually doing the zombie-killing, for the most part, are trained agents of the law. Of course, Resident Evil also confirms that the ladies will shoot up any guy that lunges for them because he can’t resist their brains. I wonder if that’s how women see my advances?

What’s most scary about zombie invasions, perhaps, is that the only federal solution seems to be containment and explosions. Either the government goes all Avengers and blows up the city or chooses the Dark Knight Rises route and bans everyone from leaving.

Amidst all this, whatever happened to the old, “send in the commandoes” strategy? I would much rather be saved by Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren and Jean-Claude Van Damme than by using a gun myself or getting blown to bits.

Either way, a million bullets in fifty hands never stops a million zombies with fifty brain cells. So, whatever the solution to the impending zombie crisis may be, the answer is probably not down the barrel of a gun.