16 Reasons Why Pope Benedict XVI is Actually Resigning


On Monday it was announced that Pope Benedict XVI will resign as head of the Catholic Church. Although he cited age and infirmity as reasons for becoming the first pope to resign in 600 years, there may be several hidden reasons why Benedict is stepping down. Here are XVI possible explanations for this extremely rare occurrence.

I. Mass just not the same since Communion wafers became gluten-free


II. Having a hard time paying back bad Super Bowl bet, so he's going to cool his heels in Malta for a while

III. Will now focus full-time on other job because hey, pimpin' ain't easy

IV. Checking self into Pope rehab after proving powerless against Communion wine

V. Checking self into Pope rehab after proving powerless against Communion cocaine

VI. New details about to emerge in ongoing pedophile priest scandal, and we have like, no idea just how shocking this is about to be

VII. Needed more time so he could be off to see the Wizard

VIII. Forced to resign after donning "pagan" Santa hat

IX. Request for Popemobile convertible repeatedly denied

X. Decided it's finally time to change things up and pass off torch to a different old European white guy

XI. Is being ousted after revelation that he owns 600,000 shares in condom-manufacturer Church & Dwight

XII. Turns out he was actually more enthusiastic about that Hitler Youth thing than he led on

XIII. Needs more time to work on the Death Star

XIV. Wants to run for U.S. Senate to help block implementation of Obamacare contraception mandate

XV. Drunken pro-choice tweets from official Twitter account (@pontifex) were last straw

XVI. After traveling millions of miles, shaking thousands of hands, giving thousands of prayers, at the age of 85, Benedict XVI is just plain poped