Cardinals Elect Yadier Molina to Be Next Pope


On Tuesday, the College of St. Louis Cardinals emerged from a secret papal conclave from their spring training facility in Jupiter, Florida after having chosen catcher Yadier Molina to be the next head of the Catholic Church. Cardinal Molina will succeed Benedict XVI, who stepped down on February 28 and became the first pope in 598 years to resign.

“I am honored to accept this appointment to Supreme Pontiff,” Molina said in a statement released to the press. “As Bishop of Rome, I will work tirelessly to be an advocate for people of all races, religions, creeds, and teams, and advance the cause of righteousness in the world.”

Born in Puerto Rico, Molina is the first Latin American pope in the history of the Church.

At approximately 3:30 PM on Tuesday, white foul line chalk could be seen billowing from the Cardinals' clubhouse, indicating that they had elected a new pope. At 3:45 PM, Cardinals manager Mike Matheny came out of the clubhouse to apprise the press of the Cardinals’ selection.

“This really wasn’t a difficult decision,” said Cardinal Matheny. “For the past nine years, Yadier Molina has arguably been the most dedicated Cardinal of all. His years of experience calling the shots from behind home plate make him the ideal Cardinal to take the reins.”

Fellow Cardinal Allen Craig was equally enthusiastic about the election, saying, “This is a huge pickup for the Vatican that’s going to give them the leadership they’ve been lacking for the last eight years. I’m not even sure Cardinal Molina is Catholic, but what I am sure of is that he’s the right man for the job.”

It is unclear which name Cardinal Molina will select for his papal name, though early frontrunners include Stan, Ozzie, Lou, Dizzy, Red, and Bob.

At press time, the soon-to-be pope was rumored to be drafting a Papal bull declaring Cincinnati Reds second baseman Brandon Phillips a heretic.