Christian Dubstep: The Second Coming of Christ Will Have a Sick Bass Drop


I recently covered the Papal announcement, and decried the Vatican for not being forward thinking enough in their recruitment of younger followers. But having read an article about a rising trend in Christianity, I've become aware of a movement outside the Church’s constraining doctrines that has a much smarter pulse on today’s youth!

As it turns out, a throng of rebellious and engaged Christians are bringing the message of Jesus Christ to the disillusioned masses, via the heart pumping medium of ... wait for it ... dubstep. 

Several popular artists have risen on the scene, from countries as far away as Hungary, and states as well balanced as Alabama. They've found subtle ways to weave the Holy Spirit into their sounds, and have literally dozens of fans foaming at the mouth for their next hit. Perhaps the most enigmatic, and objectively sexy, of these innovators is Matthew Parker. 

Following on the heels of 90s Christian rock, these religious DJs nay, Heroes! have found a way to capitalize on the seemingly immortal dubstep trend, and create its most fascinating manifestation yet. 

Perhaps you're wondering how these musical geniuses will cross the divide between dubstep's rebellious culture and the Vatican's faithful principles. But there are so many obvious similarities between the two that it's amazing no one pursued this marriage sooner.

What better place to share a message of spiritual harmony than an MDMA-fueled rave? Who better to preach an anti-gay message to, than the tank-top-wearing bros who jackhammer the dance floor with their well toned legs? What better time to remind girls of the dangers of unwanted pregnancies and abortion, then when they are dressed like this?


It’s so genius in its simplicity, to be honest I’m surprised I didn't see it coming. Just watch these pious churchgoers become possessed with the spirit of the lord, speak in tongues or have faith seizures, and tell me this synergy isn't completely natural.