Republicans Vow to Repeal Obamacare and Roe v. Wade — Using Time Machine (Satire)
As the nation marked the three-year anniversary of the passage of the Affordable Care Act, Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner (R-Ohio) reaffirmed his party's commitment to repealing it, possibly using a time machine. "The ACA must go," Boehner declared. "Coincidentally, another long-running GOP project [the time machine] will make this process much easier."
"While we haven't made much progress toward repeal, we will not give up. Just as we refuse to accept the murder protected by Roe v. Wade, we will not end our fight against socialized health care. Also, we're not giving up on making a time machine, because that would still be really freaking cool, and we think we've finally figured it out. And if we build it, we could just go back and stop Roe and the ACA before they happen. It's a no-brainer, really."
Though the total attempts to repeal the ACA now number 39, few in the GOP seem disillusioned by the failure of the party's grand strategy of intransigence. "We've fought the long fight before. It took 58 years to overturn Plessy," said noted civil rights proponent James Inhofe (R-Oklah.). "We won't give up on this."
The time machine, codenamed "Operation Sisyphus," has long been a pet project of the Congressional GOP. Worked on between hearings and meetings, the construction occurs in a secretive closet of the Capitol. It has been under development for close to thirty years now, and one source close to the project indicated it is nearing functionality. "I think we're finally making progress. Soon, we'll be able to destroy Roe, reverse the New Deal, and restore the permanent GOP majority!" The unnamed source went on to note other possible longtime GOP targets, such as the Sixteenth Amendment, and "pretty much all the jurisprudence of the 1960's."
"At the very least," noted Boehner, "the time machine should further highlight the credibility gap between the parties when it comes to science fiction." the Speaker believes that highlighting this difference will help the GOP appeal to the young voters it badly needs. "The President can't tell a Vulcan from a Vader. On the other hand, conservatives are building a motherflipping time machine. There's no comparison!!"
Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-Ga.) echoed the sentiment. "Our messaging isn't working," Saxby mused. "Our opposition to science isn't enough. I think we need to be pro-science fiction, not just anti-science."
When asked how he would feel if he couldn't repeal Obamacare, the speaker brushed off typical evaluations of success. "Conservatism isn't about getting things done, or compromising for the greater good. It's about making sure our voice is heard, and fighting the good, obstructionist fight. "I would be overjoyed to see the GOP still fighting the ACA in 2050," Boehner added. "An elephant never forgets."