Passover Guide, For the Broke, Unemployed College Student


Like any nice Jewish boy, I am somewhat familiar with the Jewish high holiday of Passover.

Passover is a week-long celebration that occurs every spring commemorating the Hebrew exodus from Egypt. Some notable Passover traditions include eating Matzoh, or unleavened bread, singing songs and engaging in traditional Hebrew prayer, and having a Passover seder (or family meal) on the first night of the week. While there are many people all over the world who celebrate Passover, I am a college student with limited means, no time, and misplaced priorities, so I do not have the ability to fully engage in the traditional Passover celebration.

But fear not, fellow college students. I will give you a new take on this holiday, in this broke, unemployed college students' guide to Passover.

1. Don't Do Any Work

In keeping with tradition, on the first and last days of the week of Passover, you should not do any work. Should your professors be upset by this, explain to them that you have religious grounds to do so. The ADL will most likely back up your claims on this, though beware, as they may sue your college out of existence.

2. Have a Night of Debauchery

One important Passover tradition is eliminating any leaven, or bread that rises, from your house. Each family must search for any crumbs of bread or scraps lying around in the dark, collect them, and burn them. This can be appropriately replaced with stumbling around your room after a night of debauchery looking for quarters to use for the vending machines.

3. Use Matzoh for the Munchies

It is very important to not eat leavened bread during Passover. However, when using Matzoh as a substitute, you might notice that it is very bland and dry and tastes remarkably like cardboard. Feel free to add Nutella, jelly, peanut butter, and my personal favorite, Sriracha hot sauce to your Matzoh to make it more appetizing. This is fantastic munchies for any of you that partake in a toke or two of the "ceremonial herb" on this high holiday (see what I did there?!?).

4. Break Out Your Pint Glasses

During the first Passover Seder, make sure to set your table with the finest dishes and cups available to you. If you don’t have access to fine china and glassware, feel free to use the least grimy, food-encrusted plates you can find and a few pint glasses as a substitute.

5. Keep the Wine Flowing

Throughout the course of the meal, those gathered around the table consume four cups of wine. As you are probably strapped for cash, chugging a box of Franzia or a bottle of cheap Smirnoff will work.

6. Reinvent Those Four Questions

During the meal, four questions will be asked concerning the importance of the day. If you don’t know or have access to these four questions, you can swap this out for question- based drinking games, such as "Never have I ever," or even get in an argument about LeBron vs. Kobe with one of your drunken cohorts.

7. Break Out Singing "Call Me Maybe"

Traditionally, at the conclusion of the Seder those around the table sing traditional Passover songs. If you don’t know these songs, I would recommend picking out the one amongst you who spends his or her time playing "Wonderwall" on the quad trying to convince people that they "really live for music" or belting out "Call Me Maybe" as obnoxiously and incoherently as you possibly can.

8. Don't Forget to Keep Kosher

After the Seder, make sure that when you are cruising around at 4 in the morning looking for food, get Chicken McNuggets instead of Cheeseburgers in order to maintain kosher rules.

9. Honor Your Jewish Brethren

In order to show respect for Jewish tradition, make sure to spend a lot of time watching Woody Allen movies or "Seinfeld," and listening to a lot of Drake. (He’s really Jewish you guys, I swear)

10. Choose Your Seder Wisely

Please make sure to respect people who are actually celebrating Passover and let them do their thing. It’s actually a pretty cool holiday and a lot of people really take it seriously. College Passover is mostly for the Goyim/those of us who have no money and might be alcoholics, though you can very easily do both.

Well there you have it, Passover for the unemployed college student. Parting advice ladies and gents: Good luck, be safe, don’t die, use a condom, and don’t wake up next to someone/thing you’ll regret the next morning. (Though regarding affairs of the flesh, us Jewish boys and girls can be real firecrackers. Years of being trapped in the desert will do that to ya.)