April Fool's Jokes: Are These 5 Headlines Jokes, Or Are They Real?
Politics is a vicious and humorless business, or at least it is for those who are involved in it. Most can only find humor and amusement in the sufferings of the other side, and while that may be all well and good for the occasional incident, to base one's entire humor on that kind of viciousness is a very bleak thing. It hints at a very deep ugliness, no matter what side of the political spectrum one falls on. So, in honor of this grand and glorious April Fool's day and to hopefully celebrate the first April Fool's that I go without some kind of bizarre injury (I have a bad history of being injured on April Fool's Day), I'm going to practice some absurd writing in the style of The Onion. Policymic could use a little humor, and I mean to deliver. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the half mad booze and hookah fueled humor.
1. Rush Limbaugh Says Lesbians are Obese Substances Abusers:
You have read it right friends. With no irony, Rush Limbaugh called each and every lesbian in the world an overweight drug abuser. "And, of course, the answers to the first case is they don't have to deal with men, so they don't have to worry about their appearance. They're not trying to please men. So they can be obese. It's no big deal. Alcohol, who knows? They're having to deal with women so they're drunk." Well-said Rush! You tell those heavyset drug abusers off for their terrible ways! Your own fatness and history of drug addiction do not matter; continue to chastise these horrendous examples of humanity!
2. Joe Biden Visits Women's Basketball Team Locker Room:
Joe Biden, like Sarah Palin, is a self-opening Piñata. Given some of the things the man has said you'd have thought he'd attended the Prince Phillip School Of What Not To Say To People. More often than not, Joe Biden has come across as that one drunken uncle who just got onto a new prescription and has yet to get the dosage right. Biden seems to have read too many The Onion articles about himself, and has decided to live up to the extravagant reputation. Good old 'Uncle Joe' paid a surprise visit to the Delaware University Women's Basketball team locker room after their come-from-behind victory against North Carolina. "It was an amazing game to watch," Biden is quoted as saying. We can only assume that after this visit Biden had his way with several of the players.
3. Utah Earth Day Asks Where you Would be Without Fossil Fuels:
Even though it is still almost three weeks away, many seem to be getting a big start leading up to Earth Day. Utah really seems to want to hammer the message of environmental friendliness home by "promoting a contest for grades K-6 that was designed to improve students' and the public's awareness of the important role that oil, gas and mining play in our everyday lives." An applaud-able goal, and honestly how better to celebrate the Earth than by making a contest to promote the method of energy that is currently causing the most damage to the environment? Good going Utah! Way to show those hippies how to throw a proper Earth Day!
4. Geraldo Rivera Wonders if a Lesbian Cabal is Running the Department of Defense:
Help us all, is nowhere in America safe from the homosexual agenda? True American news reporter Geraldo Rivera comes up with this gem. Not only do we have to thank about him the worry about whom and what happens in this most important and necessary bit of news, but that a terrible Lesbian Cabal is running the Department of Homeland Security. Their cabal does many terrible things, so it will be a great pleasure to see the rightful lords replaced.
5. Australian North Western Territories Under Siege by Camels:
If there is one thing the Emu War have shown us, it's that Australia isn't apt to win wars. No matter how well trained, well equipped and how well-outfitted they are, the threats made by those to the south are very dire indeed, specifically in regards to the Northwest Territories. A town called Docker River has said that it under siege from at least 6,000 camels, and they are currently preparing to do battle with their greatest enemy since the World War II: April Fool's.