10 Things That Will Make You Feel Ancient


Back in 1993, the world was a peculiar place. It was full of mechanical dinosaurs, a white president, and Kelly Kapowski in neon. My, oh my, things have changed since 1993. Namely, us.

I was busy humiliating the art of cursive with 90-degree angles and a "Q" that looked like, ya know, a "Q", but the world marched on and I right along with it.

My "Q" remains the same, but the events of 1993 are officially two decades old. And I remember them — gasp. What about you, old timer?

1. Bill Clinton Became POTUS

From folksy Boy Governor of Arkansas to President of the United States, William Jefferson Clinton ended a 12-year Republican choke hold and eventually introduced us to Kosovo, saxophones, and a sliding-scale definition of sexual relations.

2. Justin Bieber Turned One

Biebs was but a bun in an oven that was simultaneously fostering a fetus and heating an entire province in Canada. To get even creepier, Usher, the man who gifted us the presence of Biebs, was 15.

3. Jurassic Park Attacked

Whoa. You just had a deja-vu moment, too, didn't you? That's because, go figure, Jurassic Park is being re-released in a 3D version that is so realistic you might mistake the dinosaurs for humans and Jurassic Park 2 as a good idea.

4. Doom Ruined Everything

Ushering in the violent video-game era, Doom captivated minds and trigger fingers for the first time. Since then, we've hotly debated whether or not games like this turn our children into monsters — to no conclusion. Meanwhile, we turn our children into monsters every October 31, and no one says a thing.

5. Václav Havel Elected President Of the Czech Republic

I know, right? That seems like it was just yesterday.

6. Toyota Camry Dominated

Hmm, I guess some things never change — except now it's the hybrid version winning the roads.

7. Crystal Clear Pepsi Died

There's not a day that goes by that I don't mourn over and long for a Crystal Clear Pepsi. I can't remember exactly what it tasted like, but I imagine my mental capacities have grown enough to accurately articulate the flavor as analogous to laying down for a much-needed adult nap. In other words, amazing.

8. Saved by the Bell Graduated

Go ahead, sit down. Collect your thoughts. Come to terms with the fact that Zack Morris is 38 years old and that the sun will eventually go supernova and devour us all.

9. Saved by the Bell GRADUATED

Oh, my God. Lisa Turtle and I are not married yet.

10. Branch Davidians, Monica Seles, Da Bulls, Biosphere 2, Nelson Mandela, The Chronic, Blind Melon, Blind Melon?, and "Dont ask; Don't tell."

Phew. I think that just about covers it. Am I missing anything?