Dear Saturday Night Live,
Please don't waste this opportunity.
Melissa McCarthy is hosting you this week. And she's super funny, by the way. I know that being funny isn't necessarily your top priority these days, however, I beg you to let Ms. McCarthy shine bright like a diamond (sans Rihanna and the acid-trippy background).
Melissa is at least as talented as the Mount Rushmore of Your Former Lady Stars — Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Kristen Wiig (and yes, there's a fourth spot on the mount just waiting for a face). She sports more comedic genius in her weenis than pretty much all of your current cast members combined.
Have you seen Mike & Molly? I'll assume no, since you're more of a cultural institution than a person with eyes and ears and sentience. But allow me to describe Mike & Molly to you: It's a comedic television show, and it's not funny. It's not not funny for a lack of her comedic talent, mind you. It's not funny because the writers and actors who stand next to her in the break room aren't very good at their jobs.
The show feels so awkward that my blind prom date from senior year of high school seems totally normal by comparison. She had vision, it's just that we had never really met before.
Please don't cast her in any sketches where she's a boring a wife in a boring relationship in a boring house in a boring fake town in front of a boring studio audience. Okay — maybe one of these sketches is fine. But just one. This isn't North Korea, after all.
Also, have you seen Bridesmaids? Oh, right. No. The institution thing. Well, anyway, that movie is hilarious. One of the bright shining diamonds of Bridesmaids is Melissa McCarthy, who slays in her role as sister-in-law of the bride.
Really great stuff. Do lots of that.
But also, don't pigeon-hole her as merely crude and ridiculous. Write some smart, nimble stuff, too. Something that the kids will turn into a meme by Sunday afternoon. She'll crush that.
Additionally, please don't have her imitate Shakira, Mary Todd Lincoln, or the female governor of Arizona on Weekend Update. Give her a one-time co-anchor role or something. I want to see a Melissa and Seth "really?!" bit.
And avoid at all the costs the comedy lady trap. By that I mean, don't be like, "See, she's a woman and she's so funny lol!" Be more like, "See, she's so funny!"
While I'm at it, could you bump up your air time to 10 p.m. ET? I mean, I've been working all week, and I'm going to be pretty tired by late Saturday night. Yes, I carved out some weekend time to catch up on Hulu, but it's not the same, ya know? Plus, I need to catch up on Parks and Recreation.