3 Ways Dennis Rodman Might Have Started the North Korean Crisis
On the list of foreign policy failures we've compiled throughout history, let's go ahead and list "basketball diplomacy" as at least a solid number three. Despite coming back as his BFF, infamous tattooed basketball star Dennis Rodman had zero impact on Kim Jong- Un's plans to blow America to smithereens, or at least send us pictures of scary rockets.
But how on earth could Rodman have screwed this up? All of that foreign policy training should have really made this an easy job for him. I mean, Celebrity Mole was filmed on the Yucatan Peninsula.
So, what could Rodman have done to make Dear Leader so upset during his visit? I have three ideas:
1. Dennis Rodman exposed the existence of Kim Joung- Un's progeny, which ruined Kim's plans to keep the child under wraps until he could turn it into a real-life Wolverine:
In an interview with The Sun shortly after his return, Rodman let it slip that "[Kim Jong Un's wife] kept talking about their beautiful baby daughter." Meanwhile, he was sworn to secrecy on whether their toilets are made of gold.
The Internet was abuzz in December when Kim Jong-Un's wife, Ri Sol-Ju, hit the town in a heavily-flowy black gown that was clearly intended to hide her baby bump. The Internet re-erupted in January when she appeared in a slimmed down skirt suit that was obviously not concealing any sort of bump — baby or otherwise. The problem was that North Korea wouldn't confirm the birth, so no one could be sure.
Some might say that Kim was just unenthused about the new arrival because it wasn't a boy and therefore couldn't be the eventual ruler of the Utopia that is North Korea, but I think that's jumping the gun. I think he was keeping her under wraps until he could reveal her to the world as an adamantium-laced wunderkind that would lead the North Korean people to world dominance.
Well, Rodman ruined all that. So, now North Korea is trying to achieve the same world dominance by pouncing the United States when it least expects it. After all, Rodman did just say that all Dear Leader really wanted was peace. Perfect.
2. Kim Jong-Un was not amused by Dennis Rodman's attempt to get him into a dress:
In 1996, Rodman famously donned a wedding dress to promote the release of his autobiography, claiming that he was bisexual and was "marrying himself." Rodman has released two other books since then, and is obviously due for another one. The world may see Rodman's jaunt to North Korea as a well-intentioned and obviously well thought out mission for peace, but really it was just a publicity stunt to promote his next book — an addendum to "I should be dead by now."
Rodman, desperate for attention and needing to prove he was still a bad boy, decided to venture into the territory of one of the world's biggest lunatics. In the attempt, he probably tried to get Kim into a dress at some point for publicity purposes, probably when they were dancing to 1980s disco music sung by an all-female band and "definitely getting down."
Kimis obviously upset by this affront to his manhood, and so he's reproving his masculinity by showing us all his rockets.
3. Kim Jong-Un finally realized he was not, in fact, the world's tallest man.
In the presence of 6' 6" Dennis Rodman and four of the Harlem Globetrotters, the 5' 2" leader was forced to realize that the rest of North Korea had actually just been hunched over this whole time, and that the lift shoes and bouffant hairstyle just weren't fooling anyone.
Kim is just not coming to terms with this disrespect to his leadership, and so he's decided to distract from the revelation — which would obviously make international news — by diverting the world's attention onto a potential nuclear war. After all, it is a news trump card.