A Well Deserved Breakup Letter to the Worst Congress in History


Dear 112th Congress,

(Yes, all 535 of you.)

Hey, now, what’s that look for? I just wanna, you know, talk about some … well, issues I've been having lately. Let me first say that we have had some great times together, the civil rights act was wild, and I'll never forget that night that you passed Medicare and Medicaid. But here's the thing, lately you've been, well, I feel like you haven't been putting as much energy into our relationship. You've haven't been working as much, you're getting less active (and it's not helping your figure, that's for sure), and I feel like you've been prioritizing your "special" interests rather than, well, listening to me. I'd just like to have a good conversation just once but then you're spending 239 days away from me. It's making me feel lonely, unheard, almost unwanted. Like I'm a burden to you. I don't wanna feel that way anymore. So …

I'm breaking up with you.

And frankly, it's not me, it’s you.

239 days off! Really?!? You really think that you can just run off for 239 f*cking days without any accountability!?? You think it's ok that you can just jet off to wherever for more than half the year and leave what we have here? We have to take care of 11.7 million unemployed! Our little war in Afghanistan is running amok while I'm at work (probably because we don’t have a nanny), and now your telling me we have another few on the way and you're just cutting out? We've got health care and energy bills piling up everywhere, yet you think it's ok for you to spend all night out blowing our money taking corporate lobbyists to fancy dinners?

But you know what? That's not even the worst part. I could live with all of that if you just pulled your weight, just a little bit. You passed less than 100 bills this year! It seems like whenever I'm trying to get some political action, you just lay there. You hardly do anything! And then you tell me that I'm getting lazy, and admonish me for depending on you, talking about welfare queens and all that crap.

Let's get one thing about that straight: you depend on me. When we signed our vows, we made that clear. You would be a government by the people, for the people, so long as you both shall live!

Also, don’t give me that "corporations are people" bullsh*t.

I thought we could make this work. Back when you were young, strong, and active, I knew you could always be there to provide for us, fix up our home, put food on the table, and make me feel like I mattered. But if you wanna go spend your time fooling around with lobbyists and taking long vacations to get away from your responsibilities, which are growing every single day, that's your problem, not mine. Just don't keep expecting my time, my money, and my priorities to be there for your support next time you feel like trying to make it work again.

Maybe when you start putting in the effort, getting the job done, and not running for the hills when it gets tough, we can talk about picking up where we left off. But until then, don't bother wasting my time trying to win my trust so you can keep your nice office on Capitol Hill and your lobbyist-funded vacation while me and mine are suffering.