Mark Sanford 2013: Congressional Campaign Implodes, Ex-Wives Everywhere Applaud


Former South Carolina governor and current Republican candidate for the 1st Congressional District of South Carolina Mark Sanford is a multi-talented individual. He’s a tremendous apologizer. He’s an excellent hiker. He’s a magnificent illicit love-letter (meaning, in the early years of the 21st century, love-email) writer. 

One thing he’s not so good at, though: boundaries. It’s not just that he can’t tell the difference between the North Carolina and Argentine borders, or even that he can’t seem to distinguish between his ex-wife and a female Argentine TV reporter.

It’s that he just can’t tell the difference between the places that he’s allowed to enter by law and the places that he’s legally prohibited from entering without his ex-wife’s permission. 

Given the persistence of the problem, little wonder that Sanford is again embroiled in a boundary dispute related to his sudden appearance at his ex-wife’s home earlier in the year. Jenny Sanford has since filed a court complaint against her former husband, saying that she saw him leaving her home via the backdoor on February 3, illuminating his way through the dark with a cell phone, as creepy, lurking, adultery-loving trespassers are oft wont to do. He apparently had done this on repeated occasions prior to the incident, dating back two years.

Sanford, running for Congressional seat he used to hold before becoming a byword for disgrace, promptly released a statement on Facebook defending his actions, explaining his decision to trample on his wife’s property in a similar manner to how he trampled on the sanctity of their 21-year marriage as a “disagreement” and “an unfortunate reality.” Sanford said that he entered the house because he didn’t want his 14-year old son to watch the Superbowl alone, because having the kind of dad that watches football with you is more important than being the kind of dad who doesn’t “cross lines” with other women than your mother and then have it all end up on the TV news. 

Mindful of the risk of supporting scandal-prone candidates without considering the actual political consequences of their ultimate failure, and in light of the possible inadvisability of going with a guy whose name is synonymous with using hiking as an excuse to have illicit sexual congress with someone from Argentina, the Republican Republican Congressional Committee has since withdrawn its support for the Sanford campaign. Democratic candidate and Stephen Colbert sibling Elizabeth Colbert-Busch will no doubt take the development as further encouragement for her challenge to Sanford, as she further hones her message as the only candidate to not have had illicit sexual relations with a foreigner while lawfully married. Even in a district where 58% of the population went for Mitt Romney, that may be enough. 

If it is, Sanford may have to return to the obscurity that Americans reserve for all politicians found to be unfaithful who are not named Bill. Either that, or there’s always the Appalachian Trail. It’s been extended since Sanford last “hiked” it, although not all the way to Argentina.