College relationships are peculiar. Two young, anxious people are trying to be a pair while standing on the same figurative continent but paradoxically subject to separate effects of figurative plate tectonics (just politely agree with my metaphors, people).
As you stand together on this floating ball of oxygen, things shift. Continents drift. And you might find yourselves very far apart.
Here are some signs that this is happening, and that it's probably time to end the relationship.
Please keep in mind two things: I haven't the foggiest idea of what I'm talking about, and if these things apply more to you than your significant other, you're ripe for being broken up with.
1. You're no longer attracted to that gender:
It's college, after all. This is where you discover new things about the world and yourself — and the amazing comprehensive power of sweatpants. You may not be into what you thought were into for the first 18 years of your life.
Let your now wrong-sex-for-you partner down gently though. Try saying, "It's not me; it's you."
2. Typing without texting:
You know those little bubbles that show up when someone is typing to you in an Internet-based text-messaging phone app? Or that little, "[Name] is typing …" line in GChat? If you start seeing a lot of that without ever actually receiving a message, there's a 100% chance you're about to be broken up with. Beat them to the punch, I say.
3. A Poli-sci Major:
Perhaps it seemed cool at the genesis of the romance. Dating a budding politician is probably a lot like cookie dough. It hasn't quite fulfilled its destiny yet, but it still tastes like power.
Unfortunately, with the complete and utter ubiquity of social media, no one in our generation will ever be president. Spring break photos, drunken tweets, and spontaneous vines will come home to roost.
You're setting yourself up for an embarrassing press conference in 30 years.
4. You met in the dorms (but you're no longer living in dorms):
While we managed to pull a penicillin rabbit out of a mold hat, foul and malevolent things usually don't beget pleasant and healthy things.
Generally speaking, don't do drugs. More importantly, if you're dating someone who could be increasingly accurately described as "really into" drugs, you best be stepping (ahem, steppin').
6. You can't talk about how emotional you felt in the library that one time:
It was strange. Just you — and the stacks on stacks on stacks of endless information, the diamond-worthy pressure of final exams (sans actual diamond creation), and the spine of Assata Shakur's autobiography staring daggers into the most vulnerable corner of your human soul.
But your plus-one wouldn't understand, so you keep quiet.
7. STD acquisition:
Pretty self-explanatory — but look at it like this, if you receive an unwelcome third party that you've never seen before but you're smack-dab in the middle of what you thought was an exclusive and everlasting relationship … GTFO. Immediately. And then go straight to the doctor.
8. Frequent eye-rolls:
If you find yourself rolling your eyes at your romantic human friend a lot, that's a telltale sign of a relationship gone awry. Respect has left the building — and so should you.