My Scary, Uncomfortable Nazi Wedding


Across the country, the sun is shining and love is in the air. The sweet scent of roses and the swift, hard lines of swastikas and abbreviated moustaches highlight spring's natural aphrodisiacs. Child custody hearings are left with unsurprising disapproval, engagements are made in viscerally uncomfortable fashions, and globally resented histories resurface in the form of satanic obsession.


Heath Campbell, the self-proclaimed white supremacist Nazi who named one of his three children Adolf Hitler (only after being denied trying to name him Lucifer by his former wife), got down on one knee earlier this week in his full regalia aside a water fountain in Easton, Pennsylvania to propose to his girlfriend Bethanie White, also in full Nazi décor.

The scene (more or less) played out as such:

The knee: This is a truly chivalrous proposal tactic that, while not yet completely out of fashion, lacks the same luster it carried in the years of 1939-1945.

The ring: "Bethanie, du bist die Liebe meines Lebens und ich möchte diesen Hass für immer mit dir teilen." (

The kiss: Sparks fly and bombs drop. 

The joy: No. I'm sorry. This has gone on enough. Please excuse me while I go vomit and hope these two lovebirds are for some reason both sterile.

To see the action live, bear witness to the awkwardness of the entire event ... a classic sure to pass through the Campbell family for generations to come: