Forget Minorities and the Poor, Voter ID Laws Prevent Fraud


Voter fraud is a massive problem in America. It's a national epidemic. The only solution is to require photo IDs. Ideally, we should charge for photo IDs and offer them only at overwhelmed DMVs. Statistically, this will lead to a dropoff in poor or minority participation, but that's a small price to pay in our righteous crusade to solve this important problem.

Can we really trust the outcomes of our elections with voter fraud so prevalent? For example: In 2008, black people stood outside the polls in Pennsylvania while not smiling and (worse yet!) while not dressed like the Cosbys. This is illegal. Also, ACORN workers turned in millions of voter registration sheets with Mickey Mouse written on them, leading to millions of votes for Mickey Mouse in 2008. Upon receiving these forms, voter registrars logged Mr. Mouse's address in the system millions of times and tens of thousands of precinct-level voting officials thoughtlessly checked the box next to Mickey Mouse when a non-cartoon dropped his name at the polls. The scam was incredibly sophisticated and required coordination between tens of thousands of people to pull it off, but it worked, and ACORN was forced to turn to prostitution to pay the bills. The evidence of voter fraud is so overwhelming that I'll just stop there. 

With so many fraudulent votes cast every year, it's hard to know who is winning or losing these elections. It could be anyone. Ron Paul might have won the presidency in 1988, and we might be enjoying a sound currency based on the whims of Third World commodity fluctuations. All I know is there are so many fraudulent votes cast each year that it's impossible to even count all of them or give you any hard statistics or facts.

I'm not sure who's committing fraud, but we should certainly suspect illegal immigrants. They're the cause of many other problems that are plaguing this country but can't be quantified, so why not this one? After all, what better place to evade deportation than hidden behind a voting booth curtain? No matter who is committing fraud, whether it's college students, minorities, non-drivers, or poor people, we're just interested in preventing it. It's important that we take proactive steps to stop the fraud now before it overwhelms the system and destroys the America that we used to love before poltiicians started meddling in the 1960s.

With so many cases of fraud overwhelming our system and turning elections into an exercise in throwing darts, this is a national emergency. Opponents of voter ID laws say that these laws will result in lower turnout. They argue that voter ID laws — despite their good intentions — are statistically likely to disproportionally impact minorities. They're right. But we shouldn't care! Those are some solid statistical analyses, and I'm not going to argue against them. I'm not one of those people who questions reality or the facts. But we shouldn't care. Ending voter fraud is worth the price of discouraging millions of voters from voting. It's a cold calculation, but I'd rather stop millions of fraudulent votes and make it a bit harder for poor people to vote. 

The best voter ID law is in Texas, where the legislature required that voters pay a fee to purchase their ID. I like this idea. States like Texas should charge people a fee to vote and do so without any sense of irony. The fee will disproportionally impact poor people and minorities, which is good, because they're the most likely to be committing voter fraud. After all, they don't have photo IDs! What do they have to hide? These are also the same people who are most likely to be intimidating voters across the country, like the Black Panthers did in Pennsylvania when they stood outside the polls for a couple of minutes in a manner that displeased many white people who saw the pictures on the internet. If you don't believe me, read up on it. is a good place to start.

This is too important, folks. Massive voter fraud is occuring everywhere I look. The only way to stop it is to take drastic steps, even if we can't prove that it's happening. At the end of the day, people should stop whining. Picking up a Voter ID is as easy, quick, fun, enjoyable, and painless as going to the DMV.

Photo Credit: CarbonNYC