I'm pretty addicted to the hit Netflix original series Orange is the New Black, a dramedy about Piper Chapman, a white, bougie, New Yorker who serves a year in prison for drug trafficking. I'm so glad that it got renewed for a new season, though I can't believe I have to wait a year! But if I had watched the last episode of the first season without knowing that there would be more, I would have done to the head of Netflix exactly what Piper Chapman does at the end of said episode. Part of the reason's the show is so great is because of its great writing, great characters and great one-liners. Here are some of the best quotes from the show.
1. No Lesbian-Based Rooming!
When prison bureaucrat and lesbian witch-hunter mistakenly thinks Piper wants to room with "Crazy Eyes," he shuts the whole thing down with this line. The avuncular (for now) Healy then offers the following anthropological insight: "She's what we call a 'stud,' which is very confusing for a nice girl like you, because, let's be honest, she looks like a man ... My advice? Let her down easy ... Lesbians can be very dangerous. It's the testosterone."
2. When Piper Breaks Up With Her Non-Wife
Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren is smitten with Piper, whom she nicknames Dandelion and for whom she writes the following poem:
"Before I met you the sun was like a yellow grape But now, it looks like fire in the sky Why? Because you light a fire inside me."
When Crazy Eyes thinks another inmate is bothering Piper, she intervenes: "Move, bitch. This is my wife here, so you need to step. I will cut you! I will cut you, bitch! Don't make me cut you!" Crazy Eyes also throws her pie at the other prisoner, which hits her in the torso. When Piper tells Crazy Eyes she's not actually her wife, Crazy Eyes puts the cruelty of this rejection into perspective.
3. That Time Taystee Was Topless On Top Of A Bulldozer
This gem comes from an AA meeting the inmates organize in the yoga room. Prisoner Taystee Jefferson Jefferson is sharing when she knew "it was time to make a change" and quit drinking.
4. How Piper Responds To Ye Ole "You Must Have Your Period" Accusation
After a prison guard/electric shop teacher makes an insensitive joke at the expense of a recently-deceased prisoner, Piper Chapman says, "Less than 24 hours and you're making a joke? Someone is dead."
Using the brilliant deductive reasoning that man so often do when a woman says something that makes them feel uncomfortable, the electrician says, "You having your red dot special? Communists in your funhouse? Crimson tide?" This clever littany is what prompts Piper's response above.
5. What Pornstache REALLY Wants To Do To Jesus
Here, prison guard George "Pornstache" Mendez yells at former meth-head and current bigoted born again fundamentalist Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett, who believes she is the messenger of god. Pennsatucky has just ruined the prison chapel's wall by hanging a heavy cross, against stern instructions not to do so.
Pornstache says "You are not an agent of God, okay? God can do so much better than you. You must know that, right? Know what? Jesus Christ, how the f*** did you survive infancy?"
Thinking this is a literal question, Pennsatucky replies, "My auntie helped my momma — " at which point Pornstache yells, "That's a rhetorical question! Do you not understand what a f***ing rhetorical question is?" Apparently not. He then whispers in her ear the line above.
This is how Pennsatucky diligently reports to Healy the fact that Piper and her ex-girlfriend and fellow inmate are dancing together.
7. Nate Silver vs. Baptism
When Pennsatucky tries to peer-pressure Piper into letting her baptize her, Piper resists. Pennsatucky tells Piper, "Chapman, we've all had our doubts." Piper responds my saying, "No, see, this isn't doubts." She then explains why that's not going to fly.
After this she adds, "I cannot get behind some supreme being who weighs in on the Tony Awards while a million people get wacked with machetes. I don't believe a billion Indians are going to hell, I don't think we get cancer to learn life lessons, and I don't believe that people die young because God needs another angel. I think it's just bulls***, and on some level, I think we all know that."
Amen! I mean... right on!
8. The Comfort of Tacos
Here, Upper West Sider (though nobody her age has that accent who's from the Upper West Side but whatever) Nicky Nichols tries to comfort an emotional Alex Vause. But hopes are dashed when Taystee yells out
9. Let Jesus's Father Speak!
When the women put on a Christmas pageant, they reenact the birth of Jesus. At one point the character inmate playing Jesus's father, Joseph says to Jesus's mother, Mary, "Please, Mary, lie down here on this nice bed I made in the straw." At this point, one of the inmates yells out suggestively, "Oh, yeah, lay down, Mary!" This provokes the audience to break out into laughter and hoots and hollers. A female prison guard, enraged by the interruption, yells, "All right, ladies. Knock it off!" Once the room quiets down, the guard signals to the pageant can resume with this line.
10. The Power of Chicken
Here, Galina "Red" Reznikov, an inmate who runs the kitchen, explains why she wants the animal that allegedly walks around the prison but nobody can trap. She finishes this line with "and make a nice kiev."
11. Piper Believes that Wheelchair-bound Children Robbers are the Future
The prison participates in the Scared Straight program, prison tours meant to scare young people away from breaking the law. Piper tells one of the kids:
"I was somebody with a life that I chose for myself. And now, now it's just about getting through the day without crying. And I'm scared. I'm still scared. I'm scared that I'm not myself in here, and I'm scared that I am. Other people aren't the scariest part of prison, Dina, it's coming face-to-face with who you really are. Because once you're behind these walls, there's nowhere to run, even if you could run. The truth catches up with you in here, Dina. And it's the truth that's gonna make you her bitch."
Piper's fellow inmates are speechless. One, Poussey, tells her, "Damn, you cold." And this is Piper's response.