How to Read an Article on the Internet
1) Step one: tweet the article.
2) Okay, it's time to dive in, but first things first. Scroll down to the comments section, and leave a comment or two. Be sure to point out any grammatical mistakes other people make.
3) Let's do this! Scan the headline and byline. Suddenly you feel very excited and also very angry. Let Twitter know.
4) Before you forget, email the link to your liberal/conservative/fun/mean uncle, who agrees/disagrees with you about everything. The subject line should read something like, "Thought of you," but there should be no text in the email body, just a link. You'll want to CC 12 members of your extended family and two old college buddies.
5) Can you believe this article? Quickly copy the last sentence of the piece and share it on Facebook without quotation marks, so it's unclear if you wrote it yourself. If anyone asks, neither confirm nor deny. You don't have time for that.
6) "Like" the article you just shared on Facebook.
7) If no one has replied to the email you just sent, it might not have gone through. Reply all with the same link.
8) Someone just responded to your Facebook post with, "These aren't you're own words." Defend yourself immediately by correcting them: "It's your,* not you're."
9) Take a screenshot of your Facebook interaction and Instagram it. In the caption, use #FactsOnly, or any series of five emojis.
10) This article is really firing you up! Cool off with a coconut water.
11) Your comments are still pending. Email the site moderator a couple of times.
12) You're getting a bit hungry. Click a link on the right-hand rail about the health benefits of olive oil, and open it in a tab for later.
13) Okay, it's time to read the article. Just as soon as you tweet about that olive oil piece. You should probably email it, too. Your mom is gonna love that one.
This article was also featured on the Huffington Post. Follow Seamus McKiernan on Twitter.