Supreme Court Declares "School" Individual Mandate Unconstitutional [Satire]


After seven months of grueling debates, hearings, and worksheets, students emerged from the innermost sancta of legislative and judicial power today with a hard-earned victory for liberty. Effective 12:00AM EST, the controversial individual mandate to go to school was stricken from ESEA legislation, owing to a brave 5-4 ruling by the Roberts court that declared unconstitutionality on the grounds of education meriting no special exception to the precepts enshrined by our homeschooled Founding Fathers.

On the Hill, noted anti-school lobbyist Peter Thiel was clearly overcome by the rapidity of freedom’s progress.  “Back when we passed the 28th amendment (allowing citizens 10 years and up to serve in all levels of government), we knew it was just a matter of time. When I haven’t been hypocritically teaching at Stanford, I’ve been here stumping for justice, and it’s all been worth it. It’s a great day for liberty.”

Pundits point to the June 2010 protests, when students across the nation banded together and did not set foot in a school for 2.5 months, as the moment when the cause finally sprouted some chest hairs and became a man. The movement gathered steam as students cut class “for the cause” and railed against the coercive force of homework. For a nation almost eternally divided, our children have presented us with the opportunity to stand as one, and that one is apparently Ferris Bueller.

Teachers were oddly nonplussed by the dramatic turn of events. “I mean, we barely worked during the day anyway,” said computers teacher Arnold “Jelly” McDonough. “I had 4 planning periods out of 9 each day, and I taught kids how to use Netscape from a rolly chair. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch the value of the Netflix stock in my pension fund evaporate into thin air. Feel free to join, I have kettle corn.”

Upon the announcement of the controversial 5-4 decision from the Roberts Court, kids in all 50 states simultaneously stopped the rigorous, engaging education in which they were partaking, and told their teachers to stick it “up their nose with a rubber hose.” Early reports from major metropolitan areas seem to indicate chaos erupting at noted children’s haunts such as in front of the TV and in front of the computer.

Fourteen-year-old Tyson Chang was vocal in his support for the decision. “I mean, the opportunity cost of going to school is the sweet remuneration we make when we redeem our tickets and such at Dave & Buster’s,” said Chang.  “In effect, the government is forcing me to pay to go to school by depriving me of my God-given right to make punkass bitches cry in Lazer-Tag.”

Principal Gina Huizenga, however, is worried about the future for these kids. “The job market is terrible out there! Mark my words: Come July, half those kids are going to be living in a broken-down Moon Bounce by the river, knocking back off-brand Yoo-Hoo and wishing they still knew what the arcsin of 0.5 is.”

Will Patrick, formerly a junior at Ilocips High in San Diego, seems to take it all in stride: “All in all, it’s not a huge loss, I guess; I mean, it isn’t like a public high school diploma is worth anything nowadays anyway.”