Joe Biden's "Classified Document" Actually Coloring Book, Says White House


WASHINGTON - Vice President Joe Biden, America’s last legal lobotomy recipient, accidentally revealed the cover of a document marked “classified” while attending a meeting between President Obama and Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu in the Oval Office on Monday. 

While the contents of that particular document remain secret, the photograph sparked widespread international panic amid fears that Biden, a man who once referred to President Obama as "Barack America," continues to have access to some of the nation's most important security secrets and domestic agenda items.

President Obama took to the Rose Garden Wednesday to reassure the public of his faith in the Vice President.

"I continue to have unwavering confidence in Vice President Biden's competence and experience," the president said. "I would also like to personally reassure the people of Israel that he will have absolutely no part in any nuclear negotiations with Iran."

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney spoke to reporters about Biden's role in the current administration, praising the vice president for his sense of humor.

"He always tries to make us laugh," Carney said. "He's a big practical joker."

Biden reportedly enjoys pretending to be a doctor while prank calling German Chancellor Angela Merkel to tell her she's pregnant, sending Nancy Pelosi images of Mitch McConnell's head on the body of a turtle, and hiding underneath President Obama's desk. 

“The Vice President does not hold any national security secrets," Carney revealed.

When pressed, Carney told reporters that Biden's "classified" documents are filled with things to keep him occupied during long meetings in the Oval Office, not anything substantial.

"Pictures of trains, coloring books, things of that nature," said Carney. 

Biden released the following statement via his Facebook page Wednesday:

"While Republicans in Congress continue to make partisan attacks, I remain singularly focused on the people of Scranton, Pennsylvania. Hardworking folks from Scranton like my mom, your dad, and my mom. Biden 2016, bitches!"