6 Simple Ways the U.S. Can Raise Cash If It Defaults


Since we're all tired of watching CNN's countdown clock tick down, I've been brainstorming some alternative ways for the White House to fund the government that doesn't include the passage of a congressional budget. Remember, while our politicians may be totally inept at governing, one thing they definitely know how to do is to raise cash. Here are a few simple, easy, and foolproof ways to fund a major world government in 2013.

1. Start a Kickstarter

A Kickstarter campaign is a popular way to fund creative projects that the world thinks are doomed to fail but your friends and family are reluctantly willing to donate because they want to be supportive. It's also a 21st century solution for funding large, dysfunctional, democratic bodies that are strapped for cash.

2. Sell advertising space on HealthCare.gov

Making money in the internet age is all about shamelessly promoting other people's products on your website. Luckily, the Affordable Care Act exchanges just opened up, which gives the White House a captive audience for flashing pop-up advertisements for the McDonald's McRib. While this may confuse and distract sick Americans who are shopping for health insurance it can also be incredibly lucrative... if they can keep the website from crashing... again.

3. Hold a Washington D.C. yard sale

Yard sales may be a little bit 1980s, but they're a great weekend activity, especially if it's nice weather outside and you're a sorority raising money for rush, a suburban family cleaning out your garage to make room for a new Volvo, or the U.S. government auctioning off the entire contents of the Library of Congress on the White House lawn. Yes, I understand that there are a lot of old, original, and historic American documents in the LOC, but Apple invented the iCloud for a reason and at this point paper is only useful for starting fires.

4. Apply for a loan at CashCall online

Applying for a loan online is a great option for anyone with a bad credit rating or a government whose credit rating is about to be downgraded for defaulting on their debt. It's also an easy way to get money wired directly into your account without involving those pesky banks and with only a slight chance of having your identity stolen, giving up your firstborn child, or paying a mathmatically impossible interest rate.

5. Take advantage of container deposit laws

Searching public trash cans for recyclable items and returning them to local collection stations may not be efficient, but neither is Washington, D.C. While you'll have to collect millions of cans everyday to fund the government for a few hours, just remember that it's a public service, environmentally friendly, and a great way to dispose of the thousands of cans of chocolate sauce strewn outside the New Jersey's governor's mansion.

6. Panhandle

Standing on D.C. street corners, highways exits, and outside Capital Hill area restaurants is a great job for Vice President Joe Biden, the most affable, folksy, regular ol' guy in the cabinet. Always remember that even in the age of the internet, Google Glass, and iOS 7, there is no substitute for good, old fashioned, face-to-face fundraising.