Following the news this week that one cow in California was infected with Bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE), or Mad Cow Disease, the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) has opted to ban beef consumption indefinitely.
The evidence that the California incident poses no risk to consumers is overwhelming, but since so many journalists and environmentalists are making up scary stories about our food supply, the agency says the ban is designed to teach people what happens when paranoia drives food policy.
"After watching these would-be reporters and hippies falsely claim that one cow could bring down the beef industry, the USDA has decided to give up on evidenced-based food policy," a USDA spokesperson said. "We've shown people the science and they don't care, so now we're going show everybody that just making shit up has consequences."
With a heated contest between President Obama and Mitt Romney just beginning and dictators threatening nuclear war, the USDA spokesperson also said it was "retarded" for people to be worrying about Mad Cow Disease.
According to a press release, the USDA ban is effective as soon as you read this PolicyMic article. Anybody found in violation of the ban, which includes the production, distribution, or consumption of any beef or beef-derived product, will be forced to listen only to Limp Bizkit records for three years and wear a tinfoil hat whereever they go.
The penalties for writers and policy wonks who mislead the public are even steeper. Any individual who publicly suggested that a mad cow disease outbreak is likely will be tied to a chair and punched in the stomach by a clown until they are sufficiently "reeducated," the press release stipulated.
Responding to comments from angry consumers on the USDA's website, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack asked "What do you want from us? We're doing what we must to make the facts clear to everybody. Once you all realize that there is no health crisis, you can have beef again. Until then, no beef for you."