9 Moments in Katy Perry's 'Dark Horse' Video That Completely Defy Logic

If you were one of the many who thought Katy Perry's performance of "Dark Horse" with Juicy J at the Grammys was pretty whack, just wait until you see the video she just released. It is truly insane:

This isn't unprecedented: every time she has a song with a rapper (such as "California Girls" with Snoop Dogg and "Alien" with Kanye) she sets it in some outrageous fantasy realm. This one takes place in a twisted bubblegum Egypt "a crazy long time ago" where Perry is queen, and strangeness reigns supreme.

Here are the nine most confusing moments:

1. The Barge

The video starts off tame enough: Perry rides a barge, enjoying a Nile River sunset. Her bodyguards are half-naked blue men, clothed in nothing but "Pharaoh" boxer shorts, and her handmaidens are masked by big porcelain kitty bobble heads.

But other than that, it's just a pretty pink sunset.

2. The Eye of Ra

A buff Slick Rick gives Perry a pink diamond bigger than her face. She studies it with this Eye of Ra magnifying glass, which must be magic, because the lens isn't even translucent.

3. The death of Slick Rick

Perry loves the jewel, but zaps him with her magical lightning anyway. Never trust a man with an eye-patch.

4. The diamond grill

It's unclear whether Perry is trying to eat this or wear it as some kind of new iced-out grill.

5. The Twinkie Pyramid

Before Twinkies went extinct in 2012, ancient Egyptians used to arrange them in pyramids as gifts for their pop star queens.

6. Flamin' Hot Cheetos

Flamin' Hot Cheetos also existed in this world apparently.

7. Giant goblet of man-water

Those flaming Cheetos are too hot for Katy, so she turns the man who gave them to her into a glass of water.

It's a disappointing moment, because it almost looked like that guy was going to live for a second.

8. The fuzzy dice

Katy doesn't dig this hydraulic lowrider chariot until it's got a pair of golden fuzzy dice hanging from its dash.

9. Terrifying humanoid puppy

And of course there's this horrifying animal she creates. All in all, a distressing video.