White House Uses Amnesty Clause on Vice President Joe Biden [Satire]
Earlier this morning, White House Chief of Staff Jacob Lew called a press conference to announce that he would finally exercise the U.S. Constitution’s vaguely worded “amnesty clause,” to officially void the contract of the now former vice president of the United States, Joseph R. Biden.
This announcement, though unprecedented in recent history, was not altogether unexpected. In recent weeks, Biden’s on-the-record comments in favor of recognizing gay marriage were seen by none other than the president as getting “a little bit over his skis”. However, this may have been but the tip of the iceberg. Unedited transcripts of past interviews reveal that Biden has at times promoted clemency for Lil Boosie, the eastward expansion of In-N-Out Burger franchises, and in a particularly combative Facebook note, expressed criticism of the overt symbolism in Season 5 of AMC's Mad Men.
As the news broke, prominent statistician Nate Silver was quick to weigh in. “We’ve been saying this for a long time in my East Coast Dems fantasy league, but Biden’s value over a replacement vice president is actually negative. Essentially, he is the Carlos Boozer of VPs. We have to go back in time to Aaron Burr to find the last time someone so adversely impacted the US from that perch, and that dude both killed a Founding Father and tried to found a separate nation.”
Rumors have been swirling around Politico and ESPN.com that many prominent politicians have been on Lew’s radar as the trade deadline looms. “We’ve been thinking about Cory Booker a lot, but honestly, Team USA isn’t quite post-racial at this juncture,” said Lew. “It’s more like we’re leading late in the 4th quarter of ‘racial,’ and Rush Limbaugh won’t stop fouling us.”
Even with the cap room to keep both President Obama and key free-agent Hillary Clinton (seen honing her game internationally as of late), the White House might be forced to promote the untested Martin O’Malley, recall Rahm Emanuel from D-League Chicago, or hang their hopes on a draft stacked with liberal Virginians.
It goes without saying that all of this could be moot if Chief Justice John Roberts declares unconstitutionality, reinstates Biden, and ships Secretary Clinton to the LA Clippers for Al-Farouq Aminu.
In other news, despite all efforts to tank the season under the weight of Ron Paul’s expiring contract and the dreadful performance of expensive free agents Rick Perry and Herman Cain, Republicans are set to ride a perfectly-coiffed wave of Romnian adequacy to an impressive showing in the best-of-538 electoral playoff. Should Romney ever step down as POTUS, Bill Simmons has already called the first Ewing Theory presidency.
Jonathan Karp is grateful to write in America, where amazing happens.