From labia discoloration to breast wrinkles, the list of nonexistent female beauty problems is enough to make a grown woman cry. The multi-billion dollar beauty industry is consistently guilty of inventing problems in order to market a "cure." (Who can forget BIC "For Her" pens, which remedied the ever-present pen-gripping problem plaguing women's slender hands?)
Women spend more than $426 billion per year on these products, many of which reinforce the notion that their normal, natural body parts and functions are something to be embarrassed and ashamed of.
Here are the seven most outrageous items that promise to make women's disgusting, smelly, misshapen bodies more socially acceptable.
1. Labia Dye
Image Credit: My New Pink Button
Because apparently it's possible to have the "wrong" color genitals, My New Pink Button is a temporary dye to "restore the youthful pink color back to your labia." Thanks to labiaplasty, a plastic surgery procedure for altering the inner and outer labia that 37% of patients have gotten for purely aesthetic reasons, a nascent industry for labia products like dye or bleach has sprouted.
Women are already surrounded by marketing that tells them they need to trim, tighten, wax, shave and otherwise groom and alter their nether regions to be more presentable, and now they can add labia discoloration to their list of worries. (Luckily, the product's customer reviews on Amazon will restore your faith in humanity.)
2. Poop Spray
In order to maintain the myth that women's bowels are full of flowers and sparkles, Poo-Pourri — whose tagline is literally "Girls don't poop" — makes a toilet spray that creates a protective layer of essential oils to keep "embarrassing odors buried under water." Clearly it's better to pretend you're either constantly constipated or have a severe intestinal disorder, lest any man think you're actually full of shit.
3. Camel Toe Guard
Image Credit: Cuchini
Steps before going out: 1. Get Brazilian wax to look like a pre-pubescent girl. 2. Dye labia a rosy hue. 3. Hide signs of having a vagina entirely.
With Cuchini, a reusable, lightweight pad you stick in undergarments and bathing suits with clear, double-sided fashion tape to eliminate camel toe — that thing where your leggings ride up in your vag and remind people of the scary monster between your legs — you can pretend you look like Barbie "down there." Kardashian tested and approved.
4. Butt Pads
Image Credit: Booty Pop
Booty Pop is padded underwear that makes your butt "go from FLAT to FAB in just seconds." Hear that? It takes just seconds to buy into the confused double standard that says women need to be precariously thin while simultaneously flaunting "sexy curves."
5. Cleavage Cushion
Image Credit: Positive Press Agency
You know that thing where you sleep like a normal human being and don't think about boob wrinkles forming while you get some zzz's? Forget that: Kush makes a sleep-support device for your breasts. Stick this "non-invasive accessory" (that, let's be honest, looks more like a sex toy than anything else) between your boobs while you sleep to slow the inevitable creep of cleavage wrinkles, the real Public Enemy No. 1. It's not bad enough that aging is stigmatized in society; now every part of your body must stay young as long as possible.
6. Facial Toning Mask
Image Credit: Amazon
This battery-powered face mask has 26 gold-plated contacts to help tone skin and reduce the appearance of wrinkles with light energy pulsation, and the added benefit of making the wearer look like Jason from Friday the 13th. Wearing a bulky, uncomfortable mask that pokes and pulsates your skin represents the extremes many women feel they must go to in order to remain youthful, lest they be cast out of society for aging naturally. (Americans spend more than $10 million on cosmetic procedures, and since 1997 there has been a nearly 250% increase in the total number of these procedures, according to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery.)
7. Smile Trainer
Image Credit: Japan Trend Shop
For those suffering from Bitchy Resting Face, the Happy Smile Trainer, a mouthpiece that "improves the angles and balance of your face and cheeks, strengthening your gums and teeth," will force your curmudgeonly face into something more pleasant for others to look at. (The company, Japan Trend Shop, also makes plenty of other ridiculous beauty products, including a face slimmer, chin-muscle exerciser, nose-tightening clip and face supporter.)
There's enough criteria women are expected to fit in order to be seen as "feminine" or desirable without also having to maintain an agreeable visage at all times. (Besides, how will you take ugly selfies now?)