Zombie Apocalypse: Following Miami 'Face Eating' Attack, Government Says Drug Use Causes Cannibalism (Satire)


Following the vicious face-eating attack on a Miami man last week, the federal government is adding a weapon to its arsenal in the war on drugs: cannibalism. The Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA), with the help of the AdCouncil, is set to release a 30 second spot warning to would-be drug users that recreational use of marijuana and other controlled substances may cause them to eat other people. 

Last Saturday, 31-year-old Miami resident Rudy Eugene was shot dead by police after allegedly attacking a homeless man and eating his face. Experts are unsure if Eugene had taken drugs prior to the attack, but they suspect he was high on a combination of methamphetamine, crack cocaine, and possibly a synthetic drug cocktail known as bath salts.

Though most drug users are non-violent individuals, the federal government saw the attack as an opportunity to bolster their freedom-crushing endeavor popularly known as the drug war. "Many people believe drug prohibition has failed," an anonymous DEA spokesperson told PolicyMic. "They claim that the drug war causes unnecessary loss of life, increases drug use, and costs billions of dollars. That's all true. But we're the government and we know that drugs are bad, so we're going to exaggerate the dangers of drug use by any means necessary."

The government's new ad features a seemingly innocent suburban teen who, after smoking marijuana with his friends, goes on a mindless campaign of violence, wantonly eating the faces of everybody he comes in contact with. As ominous music plays in the background, the ad ends with a black screen and a somber voice warning that "people who do drugs eat other people." 

Critics are panning the ad. Citing President Obama as an example, they point out that drug use doesn't prevent young people from succeeding, nor does it encourage them to engage in cannibalism. "If your drug use leads to cannibalism, I'm the next President of the United States," said Texas Congressman Ron Paul, a long time advocate of drug legalization. "After smoking a bowl I like to eat nachos, but never people," said a fictional pot smoker, invented solely for the purposes of this article. "The government is way out of line, bro," he added. 

"We realize that we can't justify the drug war with factual arguments," the anonymous DEA spokesperson said. "But we can produce scary commercials that will keep voters fearful of drug use and give us enough leverage to continue the fight, and that's what we're going to do."