The storm clouds have parted and Mayor Bloomberg has come down from the mountain top to declare “No more Big Gulps!” The all-knowing and wise mayor has proposed banning soft drinks in containers larger than sixteen ounces.
New Yorkers are just too ignorant for their own good. They can’t be trusted to make such life altering decisions as soda cup size. What would we do without brilliant people like Mayor Bloomberg guiding us through the day?
“We’re not taking away anybody’s right to do things, we’re simply forcing you to understand that you have to make the conscious decision to go from one cup to another cup,” said Bloomberg. He’s not taking away your freedom, just forcing you to make the right decision.
“The idea here is, you tend to eat all the food in the container in front of you,” said Bloomberg. “If it’s a bigger container, you eat more. If somebody put it in a smaller glass or plate or bowl in front of you, you would eat less.” Plates or bowls? Sounds like six inch dinner plates and tiny forks are right around the corner.
These enlightened and progressive ideas aren’t confined to the City of New York. In San Francisco, McDonalds can no longer have a toy in its Happy Meals because it makes kids want to buy them. That’s just the kind of common sense legislation we need. "We're part of a movement that is moving forward an agenda of food justice," said Supervisor Eric Mar, who sponsored the measure. Who could disagree with the noble idea of “food justice”? Parents can’t be expected to know what’s best for their children. We need wise government officials to force us to make the right decisions.
But why stop there? Obesity has reached epidemic proportions, costing this country billions in health care. Let’s take our quest for “food justice” to the local grocery store. Why should anyone need to buy a pound of bacon all in one package? Let’s sell it by the slice. If you want a bunch of bacon, you’re going to have to buy and unwrap each slice. That ought to slow you dummies down. The days of buying huge bags of potato chips are over; four ounce maximum from here on out. We’re not going to take away your right to buy lots of bacon and chips, just make it really annoying.
Our lack of exercise is also a major contributor to our bulging waist lines. We have turned into a nation of couch potatoes. In the days of sixty inch, high definition televisions, who can resist watching our favorite programs for hours on end? Certainly, the average Joe is just too weak and ignorant to resist the lure of the Lazy-Boy. From this point forward, no television should be any bigger than twelve inches, and we should go back to black and white.
But that’s probably not enough. We need to get people to the gym. Don’t worry, we’re not going to round you up and drag you to the State Fitness Center. But, if you don’t join a gym, you’re going to have to pay a small tax or fee. Maybe we could even have the people running on tread mills that generate electricity. We could support the green movement and defeat obesity all at the same time. Who could be against that?
Unfortunately, it will take time to get the toothless red necks that live between New York and San Francisco on board the “food justice” express. We can only hope that the Supreme Court ignores the Constitution and upholds the Affordable Care Act mandate. The Founding Fathers were great, but how could they have known we’d be facing an obesity epidemic in 2012? Once the ACA is upheld, we can help bring our enlightened policies to all the people. Food justice for all!