Time to Log Off is a weekly series documenting the many ways our political figures show their whole asses online.
Personally, if had the sort of track record for accuracy that convicted Jan. 6 insurrectionist Jenna Ryan has, I would probably keep my head down and my mouth shut before reporting to prison for my role in storming the U.S. Capitol. Then again, there’s a lot about Ryan, a Texas real estate agent, that I wouldn’t want to emulate, like taking a private jet to an attempted coup to overturn the 2020 presidential election results, then calling it one of the “best days of [her] life,” then bragging that because she’s white, she’ll never going to go to jail.
Speaking of jail, last month Ryan was sentenced to two months in prison. She’s scheduled to begin her incarceration shortly after the new year begins — not that she’s all that worried about it. In a video posted to her personal TikTok account this week, Ryan insisted that although getting locked away for literally trying to overthrow the government is, like, a major bummer, prison time might still be a net positive because she’ll be “able to work out a lot and do a lot of yoga and detox.” Cool!
“I can’t eat because the food is awful and, there’s just no food,” Ryan insists at one point. She goes on to mention that “hopefully they have, like, some protein shakes, and uh, protein bars, I think?” and says that “everyone” is telling her that she’ll lose weight in prison, which, okay.
“I think I can lose 30 pounds in two months,” Ryan, wearing what could best be described as “Karen-influencer chic,” later explains to the camera. “If I do that,” she adds, “it will be worth going to prison.”
Hmmmm. Somehow I don’t think that’s quite what U.S. District Judge Christopher Cooper had in mind when he told Ryan at her sentencing last month that he hoped her incarceration would send a message “about the courts and about how our country responded to what happened, and I think the sentence should tell them that we take it seriously.”
In a subsequent video posted after her initial weight loss goals prompted a well-deserved deluge of mockery, Ryan clarified that she thinks “prison sucks” and that despite having a “beautiful life on the other side of this,” she simply has to “go through hell” first to get to it. But, she added, “I’m a very positive person, so I try to look at the bright side of everything.”
I, too, am a very positive person, and to me, the bright side of this is that for two months, at least, Jenna Ryan will be logged the fuck off. Silver lining, I guess.