Lindsey Graham somehow made the Jan. 6 anniversary about the Taliban

Considering the degree to which Washington, D.C., attracts self-serving lampreys whose sole talent is to identify and then latch onto bigger, more powerful lampreys all the way to the uppermost echelons of power, calling South Carolina Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham one of the biggest, most spineless sycophants in the whole of American politics is high (or, as the case may be, low) praise indeed.

Still, it’s hard to look at Graham’s career — particularly the past five years or so — and conclude that he’s anything but the political equivalent of the Pillsbury Doughboy: a vaguely human-shaped entity that is somehow able to stand upright, despite seemingly being made entirely of off-white goo. I mean, just take his extended thoughts on the first anniversary of former President Donald Trump’s attempted coup. If nothing else, you have to sincerely appreciate the senator’s commitment to Tweeting Through It. (And by “It,” I mean a bizarre series of non-sequiturs designed to obfuscate and deflect blame for the Jan. 6 insurrection).

To start things off, let’s appreciate the sort of galaxy brain it takes to listen to President Biden’s surprisingly pointed address Thursday on Trump’s role in subverting democracy and think “ah-HA! But what about Afghanistan, hmmmmm? Checkmate, loser!”

Folks, I give you that galaxy brain:

Uh ... yeah, man. Good question, I guess? This really is the right time to muse about the Taliban’s cable news broadcast schedule. Um. Cool. Thanks for raising the issue.

But Graham was just warming up for the main event: an 11-part thread that manages to cram every sort of bad faith conservative rhetorical trick into a single burst of extremely hysterical whataboutism. Buckle up!

Terrorist fear-mongering that seems to ignore just what participation in the actual insurrection entailed. Wonder who Lindsey means when he says “terrorists,” hmmmm? In any case, he then moved on to ...

9/11! Everybody drink!

Significant ass-covering. Followed by ...

Some truly impressive both sides-ing, before moving into the realm of ...

... fear-mongering and finger-pointing, although in this specific instance he’s not totally wrong that it’s messed up we still don’t know who tried to bomb the RNC and DNC. Of course, he followed that up with a healthy dose of ...

... “back the blue” pandering, before finally getting to the point:

Here we’ve reached the actual crux of Graham’s self-righteous screed, which is to blame the Democrats for politicizing this obviously political event. Which is ironic considering inappropriately politicizing things is his job!

And clearly it’s a job he loves doing.

Now, I’m not sure what Graham was hoping to accomplish with these tweets. But no matter what he thought his little screed-lette would do, it’s made one thing abundantly clear above all else: Lindsey, buddy, pal, close your tabs, sign out of your accounts, and log off until you have something useful to contribute, okay? Thanks.