Let’s get this out of the way, right from the start: If you’re writing a song lauding a politician — any politician! — you’ve already lost. I don’t care if it’s a Democrat, Republican, independent, libertarian, anarcho-capitalist proto-fascist. The fact remains that if you’re putting words to music, and those words are all about how great some elected official is, then you’ve simply fucked up in your life and should probably do some serious self-reflection about what’s led you to the point where you’re stanning someone who — even in the best, most platonically ideal circumstances — should be held under intense scrutiny by their constituents.
What I’m saying here is that even if Matt Gaetz weren’t a simpering, opportunistic, coup-abetting ghoul who’d been credibly accused of sexual assault of a minor, it’d still be a terrible idea to write a hip-hop anthem about how great he is. And because Gaetz is indeed all of the above, the right-wing hip-hop anthem in question — creatively titled “Matt Gaetz” — is all the more cringe.
The song, released Monday, is the brainchild of so-called “Donald Trump’s nephew” Forgiato Blow, who — like his artistic muse — was born into enormous wealth before dedicating his life to the twin pursuits of being both ostentatiously terrible and terribly ostentatious. Here are the song’s the opening lines, which should give you a general sense of, y’know, this whole mess:
Tell these snowflakes I’m like Matt Gaetz and Madison Cawthorn / Tell these bums come and take my guns, it’s uncalled for / Trump did four years in the office he ain’t never start wars / Ya’ll livin’ in a fantasy like this shit is Star Wars.
Elsewhere in the song he refers to Gaetz — who, wouldn’t you know it, was also born into wealth and privilege — “the chosen one” and a “dedicated congressman.” And just so we’re all clear here, he’s talking about this guy:
Ah yes, the “chosen one” indeed.
Speaking of choosing, here are a few other choice anthems from Blow, in case you wanted more of his, er, unique lyrical perspective: an ode to Jan. 6 insurrectionist Ashli Babbit, and a Christmas-themed regurgitation of the wholly lame “let’s go Brandon” shibboleth that’s become popular among conservatives too scared to just say “fuck Joe Biden.”
In any case, the Gaetz video, which oscillates wildly between Blow’s generic-looking swagger and scenes from what looks like low-energy cocktail hour from hell (actually this February’s CPAC conference) also features, well, this:
Does this guy know how to party or what??
Incredibly, this isn’t the first instance of conservative aural torture this month. In early April, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis was treated to his own buttrock anthem, featuring an equally inane set of lyrics about freedom and patriotism. I guess there must be something in the swamp water there that makes medium talents want to simp for other medium talents.
Gaetz, still under investigation for his alleged role in hiring sex workers, including one who was underage at the time, has meanwhile thrown his weight behind the song, tweeting that it’s “going to the top of the charts.” (The video currently has less than 50,000 views on YouTube two days after its release.) But, a Gaetz spokesman cautioned in a statement to Insider, the congressman “can’t claim credit for its conception, composition, or lyrics.”