There is a time in many people's lives when the cartoon mascots on cereal boxes are a thing of utmost importance. For those who care deeply about whether or not the Trix Rabbit actually had its feelings hurt, or whether Toucan Sam's nose really is that powerful, that time usually ends somewhere in the vicinity of first grade. And then there's Newsmax host Grant Stinchfield, a middle-aged television personality whose apparent obsession with Tony the Tiger, Count Chocula, and the rest of the crew, has only intensified over the years.
During an only-sort-of tongue in cheek screed against "woke" culture (" [it's] annoying, folks"), the recently accidentally-on-purpose antisemitic Stinchfield addressed perhaps the most important topic facing America's youth today: whether or not the Lucky Charms leprechaun is gay.
"He wears high heels shoes, prances around in tights ... " a chuckling Stinchfield mused. "Leads me to believe, probably, that little Lucky Charm leprechaun might be gay!"
Stinchfield's bizarre obsession with a cartoon (not real) leprechaun (again, not real) and its entirely hypothetical, non-existent (once more: not real) love interests came as part of a longer screed against Kellogg's recent introduction of a Pride-themed, heart-shaped "Together" cereal which — much to Stinchfield's chagrin — includes a place on the box for people to write their own pronouns if they so choose.
"Nothing like forcing our kids to be confused about their gender first thing in the morning with their breakfast," a very somber Stinchfield intoned.
In many ways, this is a perfect encapsulation of conservative media's reliance on straw-man outrage as its animating force. Is anyone holding a gun to Stinchfield's head and demanding he buy a limited edition breakfast cereal primarily marketed toward children? Of course not. Does the existence of this cereal in any way complicate Stinchfield's life? Not a chance — unless the sheer act of thinking about someone other than himself counts as a life complication, in which case, buddy, I don't know what to tell you.
No, the only reason on Earth that Stinchfield cares about a cereal box whose message is basically "we're a huge company with a limited-time gimmick celebrating basic human dignity" is so he can complain about it, thereby staking out his territory as "the guy who has an opinion on this now."
"The moral of the story is, switch your kids to granola — it's healthier anyway," Stinchfield urged in the closing moments of the segment. "You cut the sugar, okay? And then you don't have to buy products from woke companies like Ben and Jerry's, Coke, and Kellogg's." Sure seems like breakfast at the Stinchfield house is a real joy.