Stephen Miller’s failure-to-launch ass is suing to keep mommy and daddy’s phone bill from getting him in trouble

In his request to block his phone records from the Jan. 6 committee, Miller outed himself as being on his parents’ phone plan.

WASHINGTON, DC - FEBRUARY 6: White House senior adviser Stephen Miller arrives before President Dona...
The Washington Post/The Washington Post/Getty Images

Stephen Miller, top adviser in white nationalist policy for the Trump administration, was born in 1985, putting him solidly in “elder millennial” territory. He was 31 years old when he entered the White House as the architect of the then-president’s domestic policy, where he helped engineer one of the most xenophobic, bigoted, anti-immigration pushes in recent American history. His is the sort of withered, rotten soul that can’t help but manifest itself in Miller’s preternaturally severe, prematurely balding, dick voice-having persona.

And yet, despite being a very big boy with an important grown-up job, it turns out Stephen Miller, a man who’s sat alongside presidents and prime ministers and lives his life as the sort of unrepentant asshole which takes a lifetime of practice to achieve, has been on his mommy and daddy’s phone plan this whole time.

In a lawsuit filed Wednesday, Miller sought to block the congressional committee investigating the Jan. 6 insurrection from obtaining phone records they hope will clarify his role in Donald Trump’s failed attempt to overturn the 2020 presidential election. Those records, it turns out, don’t belong to Miller’s phone plan itself, because — as his suit claims — he instead belongs to a family plan filed by his parents under a California Limited Partnership dubbed “Carron Drive Apartments LP.”

Now, I understand that everyone lives under different circumstances, and some people might stay on their family phone plan well beyond childhood for reasons of finance or even just sheer simplicity. But as the Jan. 6 committee’s subpoena made clear, it was looking for Miller’s phone records from late 2020 and early 2021, when he was not only pushing his mid-30s, but had already spent half a decade as a Trump adviser (first on the campaign, and then in the White House) and by then was a father, himself. And yet, as recently as last year, Miller was still on the hook with his mother, father, and siblings for the account associated with the phone he was evidently using as part of the inner circle for the president of the United States.

As he claims in his lawsuit, turning over the phone records could inadvertently provide the committee with unrelated, and potentially sensitive content including Miller’s personal medical information, his family members’ business dealings, and other non-sedition-associated data. Amazing how the architect of some of the federal government’s most draconian policies is suddenly oh-so-very-concerned about personal privacy, isn’t it?

Meanwhile, I have some questions: Did Miller’s family divide their cell phone bill evenly, or was it more of a “everyone pays what they owe from the total” sort of thing? Or, equally possible, were Miller’s mommy and daddy paying his phone bill the entire time he worked in the literal White House?

In any case, I’m sure he’s got nothing to hide. Right?