Let me guess: You were hoping we could make it through the week — hell, even just the day! — without the president of the United States doing something so inane that it separates your soul from your body, and sends it careening out through the cosmos like a luminous intergalactic pinball, just bouncing off stars and comets until it's swallowed by a black hole and you finally know peace.
Alas, we are not that lucky. What I'm saying is, it's time to talk about thos beans.
Specifically, I'd like to talk about the array of Goya products — beans, other beans, delicious chocolate wafers, and the like — that President Trump posted on his Instagram page Wednesday, grinning behind them like some proud papa who can't wait to show the world his beautiful bean offspring.
The president's bean bonanza comes less than 24 hours after daughter/White House staffer Ivanka posted her own, equally cringeworthy beanrotica on Twitter.
Yes, I know this is part of the administration's ongoing plan to own the libs by eating Goya brand beans, after the company's CEO praised Trump in a Rose Garden address late last week. And yes, I know that Ivanka's tweet might very well have been illegal. And yes, I even know that this whole thing is just an insane rehash of the president's 2016's "I love Hispanics!" taco bowl tweet, right down to the dyspeptic grimace and lukewarm thumbs up.
All of that is true. But what interests me is exactly how the presidential bean portrait came about. I mean the specific mechanics of it. Who brought the beans into the Oval Office? Who arranged them on the Resolute Desk? Who suggested there be more than one type of bean present for this historic photoshoot? Did the president even eat the beans? Does the most musical fruit play "Hail to the Chief" if consumed in the West Wing? The mind reels at the possibilities, before recoiling in horror.
I never want this bean discourse to end. I want the rest of this year's presidential campaign to be predicated entirely on beans. I want to know Joe Biden's bean platform, and if Bernie Sanders prefers baked or pinto. 2020, God help us, is now the year of the bean.