Time to Log Off is a weekly series documenting the many ways our political figures show their whole asses online.
It's been a while since we've had a good ol' fashioned bonkers-go-nuts Trump moment. And while I don't miss the gnawing dread that came with knowing the (now-former) president of the United States was gleefully pushing us all into the inky abyss of whatever dark and deranged forces animated hi, on that given day, I have to admit, it's refreshing — albeit in a perversely self-destructive way — to see he hasn't lost his touch. Especially, it turns out, when it comes to watching something on TV and then saying something truly psychotic about what he's seen.
While residents of Richmond, Virginia, stood on hand this week to cheer the vivisection and removal of a 12-ton statue of Confederate general Robert E. Lee, the former president was doing what he does best: ranting about it online. Pitiably, without his long lost Twitter account, he was forced to post a rambling historical "analysis" (if that's what you want to call it) on his personal website. Here, in full, is what Donald Trump, noted history-understander, thinks about Robert E. Lee, the man, the myth, the now dismantled hunk of metal:
Just watched as a massive crane took down the magnificent and very famous statue of "Robert E. Lee On His Horse" in Richmond, Virginia. It has long been recognized as a beautiful piece of bronze sculpture. To add insult to injury, those who support this "taking" now plan to cut it into three pieces, and throw this work of art into storage prior to its complete desecration.
Robert E. Lee is considered by many generals to be the greatest strategist of them all. President Lincoln wanted him to command the North, in which case the war would have been over in one day. Robert E. Lee instead chose the other side because of his great love of Virginia, and except for Gettysburg, would have won the war. He should be remembered as perhaps the greatest unifying force after the war was over, ardent in his resolve to bring the North and South together through many means of reconciliation and imploring his soldiers to do their duty in becoming good citizens of this country.
Our culture is being destroyed and our history and heritage, both good and bad, are being extinguished by the Radical Left, and we can't let that happen! If only we had Robert E. Lee to command our troops in Afghanistan, that disaster would have ended in a complete and total victory many years ago. What an embarrassment we are suffering because we don’t have the genius of a Robert E. Lee!
I know that reading anything more than two successive sentences squeezed from the soft grey matter inside Trump's thick skull is a heavy lift, but I'm begging you: Please read the whole thing. It's incredible. Here, in the order they were written, are my favorite parts:
-Robert E. Lee is considered by many generals to be the greatest strategist of them all.
Name one, dude. Just one.
- ... except for Gettysburg, would have won the war.
Yeah, well, except for their terrible pitching and never ever getting enough runs, my beloved Minnesota Twins would have won every World Series from 1992 to today. Funny how that works, isn't it?
-He should be remembered as perhaps the greatest unifying force after the war was over.
Oh, is that what he should be remembered for? Not the other thing?
-If only we had Robert E. Lee to command our troops in Afghanistan, that disaster would have ended in a complete and total victory many years ago.
Folks, here it is. The absolute perfect distillation of whatever is wrong with this man's brain. Just an incredible concept to think up, and then write down, and then expect people to take seriously. If ONLY we'd had a general famous for losing a war to command our troops in Afghanistan, then we wouldn't have lost that war, either! It's at this moment that I encourage you to take a moment and try to actually imagine Robert E. Lee, who was born in the year 1807, attempting to wrap his head around desert warfare against rocket launchers and armored troop carriers in the rocky mountains of northern Afghanistan. Lee would fill his diaper the moment he saw someone shoot more than two bullets per minute! But, sure, this is the guy who could have brought this whole thing home for us. Great thinking, man. A+ stuff.
-What an embarrassment we are suffering because we don't have the genius of a Robert E. Lee!
Again, I stress: Lee lost! He quite simply did not accomplish the one thing he set out to do! He is a loser and a failure and oh my god why are we even having this conversation 200 years later???
Sir. Mister Trump. Donald. The statue is down. The Civil War is over. You're an old man with too much time on your hands. Yes, you're still able to bring the totally crazy heat when you want, but please, for your own sake (and the rest of ours) I'm begging you: It's time to log off.